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5 Truths of women’s sexual desire that anyone in a relationship should know

Women’s sexual desire can seem like a mystery.

One minute it’s here and the next it isn’t. And you have no idea where it went.

When you first get together, you can’t keep your hands off each other. 

You can’t wait to see each other and whole mornings are whiled away dissolving into your love and passion.

You feel like it will last forever. But slowly, things change.

Your sexual encounters become less frequent… and not quite as passionate. You realise it’s been a week since you even thought about it.

You might wonder if it’s because you’re tired – or just really busy, but the truth is you’re not really sure what it is.

You can feel confused and your partner can feel frustrated.


It’s common for couples to experience tension as a result.

I often hear women and their partners wanting more desire – and being completely unsure of how to get it.
Here are 5 Truths of women’s sexual desire that anyone in a relationship should know.

1. It’s normal for libido to fade

Desire peaks early in a relationship due to a chemical cocktail of hormones that we experience in a new relationship. This is known as ‘Limerence’ or the ‘honeymoon phase’.

This phase of feeling really ‘in love’ with high sexual desire lasts an average of 6 months to 3 years, after which it begins to fade.

Couples will often notice sexual desire falling at around 18 months to 2 years as the honeymoon ends and the ‘reality’ of life kicks in.

This doesn’t mean that you’re not still deeply in love or don’t care for your partner.

It just means your relationship is entering a new phase.

2. Desire is more likely to be responsive than spontaneous

We’re sold a myth that desire is spontaneous and should just happen. But it’s just not true – especially for women in long term relationships.

Sexual desire becomes responsive.

This means we don’t need to wait for sexual desire to arise to engage sexually with our partner. We can be intimate and then have sexual desire arise in response to our kissing, touching or flirting.

You can engage in sensual, intimate play with your lover – without expectation of where it will lead.

You might be surprised to find that desire arises once you begin.

Handsome man giving kiss in his girlfriend's forehead

3. Women’s desire is contextual

Women’s sexual desire is contextual. That means what’s happening outside the bedroom influences our desire too.

This is where the state of your relationship and what’s going on around you becomes important.

Stress and relationship tension, for example, usually have a negative impact on desire.

But reconnecting with your partner and taking time out for just the two of you can help you feel in the mood more often.

4. Sexual desire can be cultivated

Although it’s natural for sexual desire to fade, with intention we can cultivate – and increase – our desire.

Sexual desire can be cultivated by:

  • Reconnecting with your partner + making sex an important part of your loving connection
  • Feeling more comfortable + confident with sex
  • Focussing on sensual pleasure
  • Discovering new ways of enjoying sex with your lover
  • Cultivating a sexual state of mind, through practices such as Tantra Yoga

This is the most common challenge I help with as a Couples Therapist and Sexologist. It’s beautiful to see couples rediscover their connection, intimacy + desire.


5. Foreplay is non-negotiable

Foreplay is important to a woman’s desire for a number of reasons. Firstly because of the responsive nature of desire that I mentioned earlier.

It’s also important because women’s bodies take 15-20 minutes of foreplay to fully prepare for sex.

If we’re engaging in intercourse with less than 15 minutes of foreplay, we’re increasing our chance of feeling pain and decreasing our likelihood of enjoyment. Lack of orgasm or the experience of pain create a negative feedback loop, meaning we’re less likely to feel like sex in future.

But if we are spending adequate time in foreplay and increasing our enjoyment, we create a positive feedback loop and we’re more likely to be open to sexual play in future.

Even if you’re tired and feel like you just don’t have time, it’s worthwhile spending time in foreplay actives like massage, genital touching and oral sex so you enjoy yourself more.


Understanding more about desire and how to cultivate it can create more understanding and connection between you and your beloved.

While it is normal for sexual desire to fall, you can cultivate desire and continue to have an enjoyable, fulfilling, satisfying sex life.

Your sexual encounters can deepen the intimacy and connection between you and lead to a more harmonious, loving relationship.


Want more on Reigniting Intimacy + Desire?

Join my free Webinar: 6 Secrets to Igniting Intimacy + Lasting Desire

Wednesday November 9th, 8:30pm Sydney time

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An interview with my Tantra Teacher Kip Moore on Tantra, Sacred Sex and the Dance between the Divine Masculine and Feminine

Tantra is a spiritual and sexual practice that completely changed my life.

In 2009, after I had been studying Tantra for several years, I went to a workshop that I thought would be like others I had been to before.

I had heard that one of the teachers had a wonderful reputation, but when he walked through the door…

I was disappointed.

He looked so… normal.

He looked the least like a Tantra teacher of anyone I had ever seen.

But within the space of a week, this rather normal-looking man would deepen my knowledge of Tantra, relationships, spirituality and myself beyond anything I had known before.

This week on the Soulful Bedroom Goddess podcast, I’m interviewing my Tantra Teacher, Kip Moore. Kip also shares deep wisdom on intimacy, the dance between the masculine and feminine and the powerful, sacred nature of sex.


Hear are some of the highlights of this intimate conversation:

  • How sex can be a transcendent experience deepening connection to each other and all that is
  • How a man can respond when a woman is sexually afraid or anxious
  • The importance of presence in a relationship and during love-making
  • How women can step into their feminine energy for deeper intimacy, desire and passion
  • How to invite your partner to explore Tantra

Kip also offers one of the best definitions of Tantra I’ve ever heard:

“Tantra is letting all the facades go, being absolutely open and honest and present as a man with your beloved and with her trusting you enough to reveal her innermost Divine energy.”

More About Kip

Kip has been teaching Tantra and Sacred Sexuality since 1994. He has taught with some of the most renowned Tantra teachers on the planet including Charles Muir, Margot Ananda and Bodhi Avinasha. He has been my Tantra teacher since 2009.

To book a free 15 minute session with Kip, you can email him here.

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Here’s a very windswept photo of us on a beach last year.

If you liked this episode, you might also enjoy:

What is Tantra and how can it help us live a more sensual + soulful life?

5 Surprising benefits of Tantra



Ever criticise yourself while making love? Here’s how to stop it.


Can I tell you something, beautiful?

We all want mind-blowing sex and a deep, loving connection.

And the one thing I hear over and over from women that seems to get in their way is the ‘mean girl’ voice that arises just when they’re trying to enjoy themselves.

Maybe you have your own inner mean girl?

She chimes in at the most inappropriate times, ready to tell us the ways we’re not good enough or what we’re doing wrong.

She says things like:

  • Your thighs look fat in this position.
  • You have curves in all the wrong places.
  • You’re too sexy.
  • You’re not sexy enough.
  • I don’t think you’re doing this right…

Sound familiar?

We can’t deeply connect with our lover when our mean girl is so loud.

She stops us being present.

She holds us back from pleasure.

She holds us back from love, from deep intimacy.

She’s only trying to protect you. Her constant chatter is all in the name of keeping you safe.

But, it’s time to stop listening to her.

It’s time to open yourself to deeper pleasure, connection and love.

 1. Stop and breathe


Take a breath. A deep breath.

Feel it enter and nourish every single cell of your body, all the way down to your toes.

Feel your body, your whole body as the breath comes in.

You get to choose where you place your awareness. By simply turning your attention to something other than thoughts, your mean girl loses her power over you.

2. Feel the fear that’s driving her

Your mean girl thrives on fear. She is run by fear.

Underneath whatever she’s saying, you’ll discover fear.

Fear that you’re not enough. Fear that you’re unlovable. Fear of rejection.

It’s all bullshit, but the trick is to be willing to feel it, just for a moment.

Turn to face it head on.

When you face the fear, you’re no longer running from it and your mean girl isn’t in the driver’s seat anymore.

Feel the fear and your mean girl in no longer in control. You are.

3. Open your heart

 Open your heart, beauty. Even wider.

To fear.

To your mean girl.

To yourself.

When you open your heart to these, you make your love bigger than fear, bigger than your mean girl. And when you choose to open your heart, you’re choosing love.

Love is where we find connection. Love makes deep intimacy possible.

When our heart is open, love becomes our guide.

You will move and you will connect in ways you didn’t know were possible.

And you experience love as your nature.


How to open to deep intimacy, love + connection when your sexual desires don’t align

Today’s article is one that I’ve been thinking for a really long time now. When you see how open and personal it is, I think you’ll understand why it’s taken me so long to share it.

I talk about this with many couples in therapy when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. Mis-matched libidos are the most common sexual challenge that couples face, so I thought it would be helpful to share.

I’m passionate about it, both because I’m a huge advocate for soulful intimacy in the bedroom and because it’s something that is a beautiful part of my own relationship.

So here we go…  

One partner being ‘in the mood’ when the other isn’t is something that many couples can relate to. I certainly can in my own relationship.

It happened for us recently.

I can’t remember what was going on for me this day.

Perhaps I was tired, or feeling overwhelmed or just feeling a sense of disconnection in our relationship due to my partner being away so often at the moment.

Sex was the last thing on my mind.  

But it was a different story for my partner.

It’s always challenging when my partner and I have conflicting needs. I wanted to be there for him, but I didn’t want to be intimate when my heart wasn’t really in it.

I sometimes feel that because I help other people with sexuality and intimacy (or maybe just because I’m his partner) I should be able to meet his sexual desires all the time.

At the same time, I firmly believe we should never have sex with anyone unless we fully want to. There’s something to be said for ‘getting started’ when you don’t really feel like it and seeing where things lead, but ‘guilt and pressure sex’ don’t lead to long-term intimate satisfaction.

That day, my body was not coming to the party.

I know that for many couples who find themselves in a similar situation, things don’t go well from there.

Perhaps the person who doesn’t feel like sex turns over and goes to sleep (or pretends to) while feeling guilty about not satisfying their partner or feeling resentment at not having their own needs met.

The other may be left feeling frustrated, likely rejected and longing for intimacy.

But there is something else we can do, and to me, it’s one of the most beautiful, intimate and sexy things we can do in bed.

I wasn’t in the mood for sex, but I still wanted to be there for my partner.

I still wanted to feel close and connected to him.

I wanted him to know that I love him.

And knowing what I do about the masculine flow of sexual energy and sex being a way to share love, I wanted him to know his arousal wasn’t something to be ashamed of or shut down, it’s something I wanted to honour.

As often happens when we find ourselves in a situation like this, I told him that I really wanted to be close to him but I just didn’t feel I could be sexual right now.  What I wanted was to hug and kiss him and just feel held by him.

I then suggested, as I sometimes do, that he pleasure himself while we hug, with no expectation for me to be involved.  

With his understanding and gentleness, he told me of course it’s fine, and that what he most wants is to feel connected to me.

I actually cried with relief. I felt my heart crack open – in the best way.  

I could just be with him, love him, kiss him, hold him with no pressure to please him or be sexual with him.

And he could hold me, be connected to me, love me and have an outlet for his sexual energy at the same time.

Sharing this way is incredibly intimate and vulnerable.

I get to give my love to him without the pressure of having to do anything I don’t want to.  He feels connected, and not rejected.

Sometimes when we begin like this, things ‘develop further’. But often, this is all that happens.  And it’s beautiful, loving and intimate.

We both feel satisfied, loved and connected.  

Many couples I suggest this to in therapy have never thought of this as an option before.  Often self-pleasure is seen as shameful or something that should be practiced only privately. This new possibility has opened deep intimacy and loving connection between them.

My hope is that you find this a surprisingly beautiful, intimate and sexy outcome of different sexual desires too.

It’s a intimate and often challenging topic, but I would love to hear your thoughts.

How do you honour each other when your desires don’t align?
Is this something you do together, or might do?

Inviting your lover to intimacy: How to initiate sex with soul

Initiating sexual intimacy is a scary prospect for many of us.

We’re all sensitive to the shame of rejection. We can all feel worried about looking silly in front of the person we love. And many of us simply don’t know how to ‘make a move’.

Who usually initiates sex in your relationship?


Couples often fall into the pattern of one person always initiating intimacy – and in heterosexual relationships that role is predominately the man.

The ‘male sexual pursuer’ is a stereotype that continues. But unfortunately, when one person in the relationship is constantly responsible for initiating intimacy, both partners miss out.

Everyone likes to feel desired and wants to be wanted.

If one partner is always the initiator, then they miss out on how it feels to be pursued, so it’s only fair to balance things out.

As intimidating as it might feel, initiating also gives us an opportunity to take control and feel empowered about our sexuality.

In the past, society has taught women to be passive in regard to sex. It’s time to take this power back. In doing so, we have the opportunity to deepen the intimacy, love, and connection in our relationship.

Tantra encourages a beautiful dance between the masculine and the feminine. Switching these roles and changing our regular dynamic can add intimacy and passion.

As you might have learned on the podcast last week ‘everyone likes to be submissive sometimes’.

It’s also important to remember that initiating doesn’t mean you need to step into a masculine role. Tantra teaches us that the gift of the feminine is to open and receive. By opening, we offer an invitation to our lover to step into intimacy with us.

The feminine holds the power to invite and entice. So in our feminine energy, we can invite a lover to intimacy and sex with soul.

So what practical steps can you take next time you feel like being deeply intimate with your lover?

1. Talk about it together

Sometimes, subtle mating calls can be missed by our partner. It might be obvious to you that you’re initiating, but that doesn’t mean it’s clear to your partner.

So talk to each other about what your ‘signs’ are – remembering they may be different to each of you. This takes the guesswork out of it for both and you and means you’re less like to miss an opportunity when it arises.

Relationship Harmony

You could start the conversation with something like:

  • “Hey, I don’t know if you noticed or not, but last night I was trying to initiate intimacy with you. I’m wondering were you not interested, or was I just not making it clear enough?”
  • “Sometimes I get the feeling you’re interested in having sex with me but aren’t quite sure how to ask. I’m wondering if there are some signals that I should be looking for that would let me know you’re interested?”

2. Develop your signals

Maybe the signs you have been using are a little too understated, or maybe you don’t have any at all. Choosing your signs and signals together is a great way to build intimacy and understanding.

You can look at what you already do and work out how to make it clearer, or talk together about what might work for you.

Some examples of signals you could use when you’re feeling open to intimacy are:

  • Lighting a special candle in the bedroom or living room
  • Leaving a small token on your partner’s pillow
  • Putting a special blanket out on the bed
  • Asking your partner if they’d like to have a shower with you before bed (wink wink)

3. Acknowledge the fear + open your heart

Take note of what holds you back from initiating intimacy. Get past your thoughts and really work out what the emotion is behind them.

Often, it’s fear.

Notice that perhaps you’re afraid that your partner will reject you, that you’ll feel embarrassed or that sex won’t be as intimate as you want.

Turn towards fear and open your heart. When we open our heart, fear can’t drive us, only love can.

Opening and acknowledging our emotions is powerful. The willingness to face our fears and be vulnerable also gives us the opportunity to bring our lover into a soulful connection.

4. Turn yourself on first

If you ever feel like you’re not initiating intimacy because you’re ‘not really in the mood’, you should read this blog post on ways to turn yourself on and why it’s important.

When we are turned on and lit up, we naturally want to share that with the person we love and connect deeply with them.

Turn yourself on first and initiating should become easier.

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5. Build anticipation and excitement with sexy texts

Initiating sex with your partner will be easier if you’ve already set the mood. Letting your intentions be known via writing and words can be easier than in person.

Sending sexy text messages to your love is a beautiful way to make your partner feel wanted and desired.

It’s also a beautiful way to build intimacy and connection.

Building anticipation and excitement throughout the day may even mean that by the time your partner gets home, they’ll be the one making all the moves.


  • I can’t wait to be in your arms tonight… Fancy coming to bed early with me, swapping a massage and seeing where things lead?
  • I’ve been thinking about you all day. When you get home tonight I want you to take me to bed, take off all my clothes and make love to me the way you did (fill in one of your sexiest moments together here)
  • Sweetheart, just giving you a heads up, I’m in the mood for passionate sex with you tonight. Are you interested?
  • I’ve been having some very naughty thoughts about you today. I hope you’ll be home early tonight so we can make some of those thoughts come true…

6. Wear something that says it all

Wearing something that makes you feel sexy is a great signal to your partner. Invite and entice your partner with underwear or an outfit you know they’ll like.

7. Get out of your head + connect to your body and sensuality

When we get out of our heads and into our body, we connect with our sensuality. When we connect with our sensuality, it radiates from us and we become an invitation.

Our body will naturally move in a way that is enticing. We don’t need to think about what to do.

We can allow our body to move in a way that shows our sensuality, pleasure, and love.

This is a gift of the feminine, to open, to share our radiance and draw our lover into a soulful connection.

8. Just say it

There’s something to be said for taking the direct approach.

A woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it is a pretty big turn on.

You can say something like:

  • “I’m trying to initiate intimacy right now – is that something you’re open to?”
  • “Sweetheart, I’m feeling turned on tonight. Would you like to come to bed with me?”
  • “I would love to be intimate with you right now. Are you in the mood to connect with me in that way?”

Though it can feel a little scary at first, with practice, initiating becomes easier.

Remember, that even if your partner isn’t in the mood, it’s not a rejection of you. They’re likely to appreciate you making an effort and wanting to be close to them.

Initiating with soul, shows a willingness to be vulnerable and to open to your partner which will, in turn, deepen the connection and love between you.



Where to start with Kink, BDSM & 50 Shades of Grey

Have you ever wanted to bring some 50 Shades of Grey into your bedroom but haven’t quite known where to start?

Does the idea of being tied up, blindfolded or spanked excite or intrigue you?

If you’re looking to bring a little more spice and spark into your relationship, you’re going to love today’s podcast. I’m talking to Tanya Koens (Counsellor and Sex Therapist who I’m lucky enough to share an office with) about all things Kink and BDSM.

Kink, BDSM & 50 Shades of Grey with Tanya Koens and Isiah McKimmie

It’s a conversation well worth hearing.

Here’s some of what you’ll get from the episode today:

  • What Kink and BDSM are and why one person’s ‘vanilla’ is another person’s kinky
  • How you can start introducing power play, spanking, blindfolds and anything else you saw in 50 Shades of Grey into your bedroom
  • Why talking about what you want and making clear agreements together is sexy – and brings you closer
  • The similarities between Tantra and BDSM – it’s all about sensation baby!
  • How you can negotiate and compromise with a partner when their idea of sexy is a bit more kinky than yours


Listen to the podcast

More about Tanya

Tanya is a clinical Counsellor, sexologist and and Sex Therapist with over 10 years experience.

Specialising in conscious relating with self and authentic relationship and sex therapy, Tanya’s style of counselling is solution-focused and person centered.

You’ll hear her regularly on Triple J Radio and can find out more on her website here.




Forget grand romantic gestures, this is what women really want from men

For this week’s blog, I started writing an article about how men can be more romantic.

It’s something men ask me about A LOT in therapy. I know that men really want to find ways of pleasing their lovers and creating deeper connections. Sometimes, they just struggle to know how.

There are many suggestions I have for being more romantic.

For example:

  • Buying flowers for no reason
  • Organising a surprise weekend away
  • Running a bath with candles or rose petals, and then giving her a slow, sensual, whole-body massage (with no strings attached)

But there’s something I’ve found women want more than those kind of romantic gestures.

It’s something that touches us deeper, makes us fall wildly in love and helps us open our hearts fully.

I constantly hear women asking for this. One of the most beautiful and rewarding moments in therapy for me, is seeing people burst into tears of joy when they get this from their lover.

What we really want is your vulnerability.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean constantly crying as many of my male clients fear. It doesn’t mean that we don’t still want you to fix things for us, open the car door for us (one of my personal favourites) or be a source of strength for us.

Vulnerability is simply being honest about your emotions and allowing us to see all of you. It’s having the courage to voice the fear underneath the anger, the unworthiness we all feel at some point, or the hurt that is there under briskness.

Vulnerability requires an openness and honesty that is deeply intimate and transformative for relationships.

Being vulnerable takes a certain level of self awareness that we can’t help but find attractive. It requires you to look at yourself, know yourself, and be willing to sit in whatever emotion is arising for you. It’s only with vulnerability that we can be truly honest and truly seen.

It’s vulnerability that allows the love that is already there to show itself fully and deeply. Vulnerability is what allows us to connect.

When there is a lack of vulnerability, it can feel to us like a wall, a hardness that feels cold, or sometimes arrogance. That doesn’t feel good to us.

Ultimately, we want to be close and connected to you and we can only do that when you are willing to let that wall down; when you show us your softness and let us in.

When you’re vulnerable, we actually feel safe.

We know that we can put down our own defences too. Because when you’re sensitive to your own emotions, we know we can trust you to be sensitive with ours.

It shows us that you’re human and we can be in equal, loving relationship with you.

Your vulnerability opens our hearts.

Vulnerability isn’t a weakness. We know men have been taught their whole life that it is, but actually it requires a strength that we deeply admire, respect and love. Vulnerability takes courage – incredible courage, over and over again.

Seeing you put down your defences, and speak from a place deep within is romantic and intimate in a way that gestures never can be. That’s what will sustain our relationship in the long term.

We want to love you; truly we do.

Allow yourself to be seen.

Let us in. Let us see you so we can love you.

It’s not just you of course.

We all benefit from learning to be vulnerable.

By acknowledging our emotions, and the parts of us we feel shame around, we bring them into the light and we open to the possibility of deep and loving connection with another human being.




How to get out of your head + into your body in bed

Have you ever found that you can’t stop THINKING during sex?

Both women and men share with me their struggle to switch off their minds and just enjoy themselves.

We can be thinking about our performance and wonder if we’re doing the ‘right things’.
We can worry about how our body looks and what our lover is thinking about it.
Or we can just struggle to turn off thinking about all the things we have to do.

It’s distracting. It stops us enjoying ourselves fully. And it gets in the way of deep intimacy, because when we’re caught in our thoughts we can’t be truly present to our lover.

Tantra, the ancient Indian spiritual and sexual art that many of you know helps guide my work as a Sex Therapist, offers many practices for supporting us to get out of our head and become more embodied. Tantra teaches us that we can find spiritual awakening by embracing the body and senses fully, not by avoiding them like so many other spiritual practices.

When we can do this, we open to the possibility of greater pleasure, deep intimacy and a spiritual experience where self dissolves and we taste the ever-present oneness.

That’s what I want for you, beauty.

Pleasure, soulful intimacy and a taste of the Divine.

Here are 5 ways you can stop thinking, get out of your head + into your body in bed:

1. Recognise that under thoughts there is an emotion – probably fear

Excessive thinking is a way we unconsciously deal with emotions.

Underneath constant thinking will always be an emotion that we’re trying to solve or move away from by turning to our thoughts. But what we resist persists and when we’re not in touch with the emotion, it continues to bubble away, creating more thoughts. The way through is to recognise and open to the emotion.

When we can get in touch with the emotion that is running underneath, the thoughts will slow and fall away.

It may feel more vulnerable, but being in touch with our emotions is also how we discover deep presence and intimacy.

2. Focus on the breath + breathe deeply

Take a deep breath right now; a full deep breath in and then a full deep breath all the way out. Notice your body relax and the breath deepen and slow as you do.

We are such shallow breathers in the West. We often have a low background level of stress, and the tightness this causes makes our breathing shallow.

By placing our awareness on our breath, it will naturally deepen and slow.

Breathing deeply connects us to our body and helps us feel more sensation. It helps us create space between our thoughts and stops us being swept away by the constant tide of thought. Deep, conscious breaths will also help to calm any feelings of anxiety that we may be having.

When you find your mind racing, in bed or out, bring you awareness to your breath and take slow deep breaths all the way in and all the way out. Feel the breath expand your belly, chest and then shoulders. Notice tension subside as you breath out fully.

3. Stay with sensation + feel your body

When we’re being swept away by our thoughts, we lose touch with sensation in our body. It takes conscious effort to turn our awareness back to the body and what we’re feeling.

Practice turning your attention to the body, rather than your thoughts. When you notice thinking, come back to the body and sensation. You may need to do this a number of times, but that’s okay.

As you’re learning this, a Body Scan can help. In a Body Scan we give awareness to one part of the body at a time.

Begin by bringing your awareness to the top of your head, and then ‘scanning’ down through the body to see what you feel in each part. Perhaps you notice tension, pain, tingling or numbness in different areas. You might not notice much the first time you do this, but with practice, you will become more attuned to sensation and you’ll notice more. Eventually, you will be able to give awareness to your whole body at once without the need to scan.

Be gentle on yourself and remember, this is a practice, and it requires practice.

4. Discover + follow what your enjoy

Pleasure will naturally guide you into deeper embodiment.

When we’re not enjoying ourselves we will become more involved in our thoughts. Allow yourself to discover what you enjoy. Let your pleasure become your guide.

When you stay present and really LISTEN to your body, it will tell you how to move. Your body will move towards greater and greater pleasure when you allow it. You will learn what you love.

More and more you will get used to using your intuition to guide you to what feels good, and what feels good for your partner. You wont need to rely on your thinking to decide what to do; it will come from a deeper place of knowing and feeling.

5. Remember the most attractive thing you can do in bed is enjoy yourself

One of the most common thoughts that stops us enjoying ourselves fully during sex is worry about our performance or what we look like.

Let those thoughts go right now, beauty.

Your partner loves how you look, that’s why they’re in bed with you.

The sexiest thing you can do for a partner is enjoy yourself.

Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and be guided by it, is a gift to your partner.

Your pleasure, is one of the biggest turn ons for your lover. Your enthusiasm, not perfect technique is what you partner will enjoy most.

Embodiment and pleasure are practices beauty.


Stay focussed on your intention and use these techniques, they will support you to more embodiment, greater pleasure and deeper intimacy during sex.


Want more tips on embodiment, pleasure and soulful intimacy?

Sign up to my newsletter here beauty.

Living an erotic life with Susana Frioni

How do you cultivate a life of desire and aliveness?

What does erotic mean to you?

And how do you open to pleasure in everyday moments?

In today’s pod, I’m talking to Susana Frioni creator of the Love, Sex, Desire Podcast (which happens to be the very first podcast I was ever interviewed on) and Sacred Dance Parties.

Susana and I talk all things Love, Sex, Desire this episode. It’s a juicy, rich, intimate conversation.

Here are my highlights:

  • How to find pleasure and aliveness in everyday life
  • How being with our emotions can support us to feel more pleasure in our body
  • Susana’s take-aways over 62 episodes of talking to experts on sex and intimacy
  • What she learned from her most potent podcast episode ever
  • The importance of finding out what works for us an individuals sexually


Watch the video


Listen to the Pod

Links related to this episode

Listen to my Podcast Episode on Susana’s Love, Sex, Desire Podcast


Susana Frioni is a speaker, personal coach and embodiment teacher igniting women through erotic empowerment via her brand LOVE SEX DESIRE. With an audience in 127 countries, Susana produces a weekly podcast series alongside her sacred dance parties and other workshops and intimate gatherings, both online and in person.

Visit her website here.


Now tell me beauty:

How do you cultivate a life of desire and aliveness?

5 ways to turn yourself on + why you must

This may come as a surprise to you, but you hold the power of your desire in your own hands.

Do you know that beauty?

I often speak to women who feel ‘stuck’. Their libido isn’t what it used to be.

They feel they’re never in the mood, or intimacy just isn’t something they think about anymore. They, and their partners, often feel disappointed and confused at their loss of desire for sex.

But beauty, did you know, we have the power to turn ourselves on?

We often have an idea that desire should ‘just happen’. But that isn’t the case.

Spontaneous desire is a myth, particularly in long term relationships.

The truth is, desire, sexual energy and pleasure need to be cultivated, lovingly tended to, like anything we want to thrive.

You have power over your own pleasure.

You don’t need to wait for desire to spontaneously arise, or for a partner to find your magic buttons.

You can harness your own desire, and ride your sexual energy. You can find your own magic buttons and then direct your partner to them, showing them exactly the right ways to press them.

We need to take responsibility for our pleasure because it’s our birthright. You were born for pleasure, beauty.

When we take control of our own desire, we stand in our power.

When we make a partner responsible for turning us on, we disempower ourselves.

Long term, that sets up a dynamic destined for challenges; and we deprive ourselves of an incredible force.

Sexual energy is life-force energy.

It’s creative energy.

It’s healing, nourishing and Divine.

Tantra teaches us that this energy is so powerful it can lead us towards Enlightenment and give us a taste of heaven right here on earth.

You were born to live a turned on life.

You simply must.

Here 5 ways you can turn yourself on:

1. Do what lights you up and makes you feel alive

We will never have true passion in the bedroom until our life is also passionate, alive and fulfilling. Turn yourself on outside the bedroom too beautiful. Pay attention to what makes you feel good, discover what lights you up and do what makes you feel alive.

When you embrace your passions and do what lights you up, your happiness and will radiate and be attractive to both you and a partner.


2. Honour yourself as a sensual being

Treat yourself as the Goddess that you are. Sensuality and desire come from within. It starts with you.

So many women I talk to share how they hide their sensuality and sexiness. They don’t show their curves, they don’t wear that bright red lipstick that they love, or they no longer have time to do their hair.

I become complacent sometimes. Perhaps I don’t shave my legs for a few days, I reach for my daggy knickers because I haven’t done the washing.

But when I honour myself, when I wear my favourite lingerie just because, when I give myself permission to be sensual and soulfully sexy, that’s when I feel more open to sharing my body with my lover.

3. Get to know what you love

Give yourself permission beauty to discover, to explore what you love.

Your pleasure starts with you.

Do you know exactly how to touch yourself? Do you know where you like to be stroked, licked, teased? What would you try, what would you ask for if you weren’t holding anything back?

When we discover for ourselves exactly what we like, we can then tell (or show) a lover exactly what we want.

4. Cultivate sexual energy

Sexual energy and desire thrive when we give them our attention, when we nourish them, and make them a priority.

Tantra, the ancient Indian yogic sexual art shares many practices with us that help us cultivate sexual energy.

Right now, as you’re reading this, contract and relax the muscles of your pelvic floor. That’s it, just keep contracting and relaxing. Then add a gentle rocking of the pelvis too, finding your own sensual rhythm, giving your body permission to move itself. Now add sound. Use the sound of the sacral chakra ‘oooh’ to help build your energy. Keep this going for a couple of minutes and then notice how you feel. You should notice your energy build and more sensation and blood flow to your genitals.

We can use these exercises, to cultivate sexual energy on a daily basis. We can also use them in the bedroom to immediately build sexual energy.

So next time your partner is in the mood and you’re not, try these exercises as you get started, you’ll feel the energy build right away.


5. Open your heart

Beauty, our heart and our sex are connected. When both are open, we have life-force energy flowing all the way through us.

One of the most common reasons I see women’s sexual energy fade is because they’re feeling fear or withholding from a partner and when we’re doing that, we’re closing our heart.

When we open our heart, we can invite sexual energy to travel through us and out to those near us.

Opening ourselves sexually to a partner becomes another way of giving love.

By opening our hearts, we allow that flow of energy.


Would you like to cultivate more DESIRE and SEXUAL ENERGY in your life?

Join ‘Reignite Your Desire’,  a personalised coaching program for women. 

We work together over 90 days to cultivate your desire and sexual energy so you create the relationship you really want.