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One Question That Will Make You A Better Partner

You want to ‘be there’ for your partner.  You want to give the best love and support you can in a relationship.  You also hope that our partner will want to do the same for you.

That’s what relationships are all about.

Everyone has slightly different ways of feeling loved and supported – you are a unique individual with a unique history and needs after all!

It’s natural that we give to those around us in the ways that make sense to us (and it’s usually what we want others to do for us), whether that be offer words of kindness, do something practical for them, be physically intimate or spend time just being with them.

But this is where problems can begin – how you give and receive love and support may be very different to how your partner understands love and support.

Your efforts to be loving and supportive toward your partner can go unappreciated or unnoticed – causing pain for both of you.

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Perhaps on hearing you describe your ‘problem’, your partner will immediately begin trying to ‘fix it’ and start offering advice.

Perhaps your partner is going through a challenging time so you work extra hard to bring in more money – or you make an effort to fix things around the house, but still feel like your partner doesn’t see what an effort you’re making.

Maybe when your partner’s angry, you leave them alone because this is how you learned to deal with anger in your household, but then your partner tells you you’re not there for them?

Maybe you just don’t know what to do for your partner when they’re upset, so you end up doing nothing at all?

Often by the time couples make it to me for therapy, their attempts to ‘give’ to each other have been lost in translation for years – some have even given up trying.  They both feel resentful and unsupported.

Support is crucial to a loving, lasting relationship.

What can you do to make sure your partner understands how much you care for them?

How can you make sure you give them the best support they need?

Ask them.

This one question will make you a better partner, a better friend, a better parent:  “How can I support you?”

This question brings you into deeper connection with your partner.  It helps you communicate better and understand each other better.

Your partner may not know the answer, but even just asking it will let them know that you care.

It will also encourage them to look inside to find out what it is they might need.  Many of us have lost our ability to recognise what support we might need because we fear it makes us vulnerable and needy or we fear that we’ll feel hurt and alone if we ask for what we need and don’t get it.

Giving voice to what we want is a valuable skill.

Your answers may be:

“I need you to hold me right now.”

“I just want you to listen to me.”

“I would really like you to talk this over with me and help me find solutions.”

“I would actually benefit from some space – would you mind going out for a short walk?”

This question isn’t to be asked just once.

In different situations and on different days, we need different support.

This can be particularly confusing and frustrating for both partners, because it can feel that you can never get it right when you’re trying to help your partner!

Use this question over and over again:  “How can I support you in this?”  “How can I support you right now?”

Reaching out, asking and giving will help you create a strong and more loving relationship.

What Tony Abbott Taught Me About Love

So there I was yesterday, at the beach doing my usual early morning meditation.  I could hear the waves rippling against the shore.  I felt at peace and an openness through my body.  It was beautiful.

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Then, seemingly from nowhere, in my mind appeared the image of Tony Abbott.  He was doing that thing that annoys me when I see him on the news.  He doesn’t really know what he’s saying, so he speaks slowly and opens and close his mouth a bit like a fish.

Toy Abbott
My peaceful meditation was suddenly full of thoughts about Abbott, stories about what a horrible person he is and judgment about how he is leading this country.  For a few moments I felt completely justified in what I was thinking and then I realised that everything I was feeling about him was completely at odds with why I meditate: to feel deep peace and Love.

I realised my body had become tight and my heart was no longer open.  I had forgotten the connectedness of all things.

In that moment, I was letting Tony Abbott come between myself and feeling true Love.

In judging him, I was seeing him as ‘an other’.  As soon as I saw it, I realised that I was telling myself a lie.  How can he be different when I recognise the intrinsic oneness of everything that is?  If I truly believe that everything is a manifestation of the Divine, Tony Abbott must be also and he must be the same as me.

Perhaps I realised, Tony Abbott is me, showing up in another form to remind me to open my heart deeper and wider so that I can feel love for him too.

I felt tears come to my eyes with the love that flooded my body.  My meditation once again became silent, open bliss.

If we could all find Love for even those we believe have done us wrong, how different would the world be?  If we all believed others were just a reflection of ourselves, would we treat them differently?

How would it effect your relationships if even when your buttons were pushed you opened yourself to deeper love?

 

2 Questions to tell you whether it’s time to leave your relationship or commit to making it work.

You love your partner, but you seem to have more rough patches than good times lately.  You see the beauty in your partner and the good in the relationship, but you wonder if you’re just flogging a dead horse or delaying the inevitable by staying together.

You’re torn and unsure what to do.  Do you stay and try to work through things in the hope that it could be great or the way it ‘used to be’?  Or do you thank each other and move on each looking for someone who is more suited to you?  

It’s a point that many relationships will come to.  Deciding what to do feels like turmoil inside.  It knots you up, runs you mind in circles and hurts your heart.  You don’t want to make the wrong decision.

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As sad as ending a relationship is, sometimes it is the best thing for both people involved.  Sometimes two people are just not meant to be.  But what about the other relationships, the ones that are meant to be, the ones that just need a little more work, a little more attention, trying and love?  

Here are two questions to ask yourself that in my experience guide you to the choice that is right for you.  These questions aren’t something you can figure out on paper.  It’s not a list of qualities in your ideal lover or a table of pros and cons.

Your answers need to come not from your mind, but a deeper wisdom within you.

You need to hear the voice that answers before your mind has a chance, the voice that comes from deep inside you, so deep it is almost beyond you.  Some may even call it your ‘higher self’.  The self, the wisdom that is always there waiting for you, that is guiding you even when you don’t realise it.

These two questions answered together will let you know what to do.  Even if it’s painful, even if it’s hard work.

Firstly ask yourself:  Is it in my best and highest good to be in this relationship?

If your answer is ‘yes’ do what you can to stay, to make it work, to open to deeper states of love with each other than you knew possible. Throw yourself in – commit!

If your answer is ‘no’, ask yourself : ‘Am I done yet?’.

It may not be in your best and highest good to be in your relationship long term, but perhaps there are still things you have to learn from this relationship, ways you need to grow in order to leave, things about yourself that you still have to see before you can move on.

Ask yourself these questions whenever you find yourself questioning where your relationship is going.

It may take some time before you’re ready to hear an may take practice to listen to your inner wisdom, but being guided by this voice will be worth it.  Your deeper wisdom will know what it right for you. 

This is what I did in the middle of our argument

I’ve spent a lot of time being angry this week. The kind of angry where my jaw felt tight and I could feel my stomach clenching. It wasn’t just anger – it was anger directed at my partner. At one point I was so angry with my partner I thought my relationship was over.

I want to share with you how we made it through, because not only did our relationship survive, we came out of it more connected, close and loving than ever before.

Not only do I now feel more at peace with my partner, I feel more at peace within myself because of something I did in the middle of our argument.

It wasn’t something I said, it wasn’t even really something I did, it was something I felt.

Let me tell you that it wasn’t love, peace or joy – no, no, I definitely wasn’t feeling any of those things in the heat of the moment.

What I really felt was my anger.

I let myself feel my angry fully and completely.

I stopped trying to push it down, stopping trying to be calm, stopped trying to tell myself I was ‘just a little annoyed’.

I felt it through my whole body. I felt so completely that I thought it would consume me.

When I let myself feel it fully, my thoughts about it stopped. When I focused on feeling my anger, the thoughts of how wrong my partner was and how much he had hurt me and how I was going to punish him (yes, I’m a little bit ashamed to admit that) just disappeared.

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And something else happened. The anger stopped too.

That’s the thing about feelings – when we stop pushing them away and allow ourselves to feel them fully, they finally move. And we can see something deeper.

I realised that underneath the anger was actually something else. I could suddenly see what was causing my anger.

No, it wasn’t my partner or the stupid thing he said. Not really.

It was sadness. And fear.

When I stopped pushing away my anger and blaming my partner for causing it, I could finally see that I was actually feeling angry because underneath it, I was feeling sad that he’s away for so long right now and that I’m afraid of feeling vulnerable.

Suddenly it didn’t hurt so much. I actually felt relief.

Emotions are like messengers that we try to shoot when we don’t like the message. They’re there to tell us something, to help us learn something deeper about ourselves. My anger was there to tell me that I love my partner and I miss him, that I’m grateful for our relationship and that I’m scared.

My anger was actually coming from love.

Yes, emotions can be unpleasant. But they can also be beautiful. And we need to be willing to feel the challenging ones if we’re going to be able to feel the good ones too.

In the end, being angry wasn’t worth it. It made me feel better for a while, but being closed, tense and distant from my partner isn’t what I want. It was a reminder to me that what I want it to be fully present in the moment, honest with myself and honest with my partner – because that’s where the love is.

What are you feeling right now that you’re trying to avoid?

What is under you emotions?

What message are they trying to tell you?

 Share your reflections below.

How you can make your relationship incredible this year.

It’s a new year and time for a new start.

As 2015 gets going now is the perfect time to solidify your New Year Intentions and take action to make them happen.  As you get back into your regular routine, now is also the perfect time to look at your relationship intentions for this year and begin to take action to make them happen.

Some of you will love that idea, you’ll already be looking forward to Valentines Day and planning a romantic getaway together. 

I also know that some of you will find that idea overwhelming.  Deep down you know there are things you need to work on, but right now it just seems to hard.  You hope you can just keep going and the little bumps and challenges you’e been experiencing lately will sort themselves out.

Sadly, I also know that for some of you, a relationship full of tension has become your ‘new normal’ and you’ll feel like there’s nothing you can do. 

Wherever your relationship is at right now, I want you to know that you really can have the relationship that is happy, joyful, passionate, intimate and loving.

2015 CAN be your best relationship year yet. 

I have seen so many of my clients really turn their relationships (and their lives around).  Even couples who thought they’d left it too late, couples who thought their problems were too big no one could help, people who thought their partner would never change. 

One thing that I’ve learned in working with couples on their relationships over the past 7 years is that where there’s a will there’s a way.  And importantly, that one person making an effort can make a big difference to a relationship.

Life is too short to waste time feeling annoyed, resentful and disconnected from each other. 

It’s too short to spend time wondering how much longer your relationship can last. 

It’s too short not to LOVE every single moment.

You’re in control here and I believe in you.

What you can do make your relationship soar this year:

Sunset couple

1.  Commit to making your relationship the best it can be

Decide that your connection is special and deserves your time, love and attention.  Commit to this being the year to make it incredible.  No more putting your relationship on the back burner or waiting until everything else is taken care of.  This is your year.

2.  Talk about what is working and what is not

Like setting any kind of goals or intentions, you need to know where it is you want to go and where you’re starting out from.  This conversation informs your New Year relationship intentions and lets you know where you need to put your attention.

3.  Plan actions that will get you where you want to be

Like setting any goals for the year ahead, you’ve got to take action.  Work out what your relationship needs to thrive.  Here are some suggestions:

  • Spend more time together?  Like booking regular date nights or dropping some extra commitments.
  • Read a book on communication to promote connection and understanding.
  • Agree to give each other more appreciation and less blame.
  • See a professional to help you move through the relationship issues that are holding you back.

 

4.  Take 1 action today

Do one thing today, even if it’s something small:

  • Cuddle
  • Do something relaxing together
  • Play The Appreciation Game
  • Go on a date
  • Book a session with an expert who can help

Taking even just one step will help you feel empowered and motivated.

You can do this!

My wish for you is that your relationship is a source of love, joy, happiness and support in your life.  From now until January 31st I will be offering free 10 minute consultations to help you make your relationship soar this year.  Fill out your details below and we’ll chat at a time that suits you.

How to Boost your Libido

Welcome to another Q&A Wednesday.  In today’s video, I’m answering the question: How can I boost my libido?

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Over the past 7 years, I’ve helped many women boost their libido again – even when many of them though it was gone for good.  Boosting libido isn’t a ‘one-size fits all’.  A combination of education, practical skills and compassionate support makes change a reality for my clients.

The first step is to look at what might be causing your low libido – keeping in mind there might be more than one!  Then we can take practical steps to improve it.  To discover the reasons women lose their libido watch the video right here.

Your health is vital to a thriving libido.   I often suggest my clients begin with a visit to their GP to check their hormone levels, blood, thyroid function, effects of any medications they’re on and their health in general.
The following can help boost energy levels and libido:

  • A good multivitamin
  • supplements
  • A healthy diet
  • Regular exercise!

Sometimes, we may need to address challenges in the relationship or do things that help you feel closer to your partner. 

These can include:

  • Regular dates with your partner
  • Spending more quality time together
  • Address power balance in the relationship

When working with women to boost libido, I also provide them with the emotional support needed to:

  • Address limiting or negative beliefs around sex.
  • Improve body image and sexual confidence
  • Discover what they really enjoy and try new things regarding sex
  • Communicate better with their partner regarding what they enjoy sexually

The support of an understanding professional can make all the difference to getting your sex life back on track again – so if you’re really wanting to get things going:

  • See a trusted sex coach, sex therapist or relationship counselor.

Now I want to hear from you:

What is one practical step you could take today to boost your libido?

 

P.S.    It’s COMING (pardon the pun)!  This August…

Juicy Sexy Love Couples Masterclass is on its way!  8 weeks or relationship wisdom and inspired passion for a lifetime of intimacy you will both love.  Click here if you’re ready for the relationship you dream of.

When NOT to Have Sex

Today’s video was inspired by some of the comments from last week’s blog – which you can see by clicking right here.  I’m talking about when it’s best for you to agree to ‘take sex off the menu’. 

Listen up to find out just why a Sex Coach would recommend you don’t have sex!

 

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I always feel a little nervous mentioning this to my clients – and in turn most them feel very nervous suggesting it to their partners.  But in truth, I’ve never had anyone not agree to this.

I definitely don’t suggest this to every couple, but there really are times when I think it’s the best first step we can take.

A lot of the couples that come to see me aren’t really having sex by the time they get to me anyway.  This can be for a number of reasons – one partner experiencing extreme pain during sex (Genito-Pelvic Pain – Penetration disorder), erectile dysfunction, challenges reaching orgasm, premature ejaculation or simply out of a serious lack of libido for one partner.

There is usually an underlying tension around when sex will happen.  The desire builds up – especially for one partner…  they may even drop hints or become moody…

The more one partner wants sex – they harder the other works to avoid it…

Physical affection can drop off out of fear that a quick cuddle and a little kiss could lead to one or both of your being turned on.    And one of you being turned on will probably lead to a request or attempt at sex that’s only going to end in disappointment, frustration or an argument…  And the cycle goes on…

The simple fact is – you’re never going to get your sex life back on track with this kind of pursuer-distancer cycle going on, with so much tension and anxiety around it or while one partner is having sex under duress.   By agreeing to stop having sex (just for a while) we’re providing a clean slate to get the love, intimacy and connection back.  Once we’ve worked on that – it will be much easier to get the sex back too.

The funny thing is that in the session after we’ve declared the ‘no sex for now’ rule couples will tell me guiltily in their next session “I know you said not to – but one thing lead to another and we couldn’t help ourselves!”

A word of caution for anyone thinking this would work great for them:

Remember that agreeing to not have sex is only a first step  – to give us some space – while we work through in therapy some of the underlying problems.  We do it with really clear goals while taking important practical steps.  I strongly suggest you get professional help to help regain the intimacy, connection and passion in your relationship.

Now I want to hear from you:

Tell me:  Have you consciously agreed to give up sex for a while?  What were the results?  Or have you taken sex ‘off the menu’ without support and never got it back?

 

How often is ‘normal’ to have sex?

Q:

Hi Isiah, I’m trying to settle an on-going argument with my husband.  Can you please tell us how often is ‘normal’ for couples to have sex?  I think we’re in the normal range, but he still wants sex more often.  Thanks.

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This is a question that I get asked quite a lot – and it’s one that I’m often a little reluctant to answer.  To answer this question, I’m going to talk a little bit about what ‘normal’ is and then give you my tops tips on overcoming different desire levels.
Firstly I want to be really clear that different amounts work for every couple and there really is no ‘normal’ when it comes to sex.

The ‘average’ frequency of sex in a relationship is going obviously going to depend on many factors.
Different desire levels can also be a sign of other underlying problems or tension in a relationship.  When there is tension between partners, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to lose interest in sex.  Or, there may be something going on for one partner for example stress at work, a history of abuse or perhaps one partner may have poor health problems or may need a vitamin boost.   And of course having a newborn baby or children is going to impact the frequency of sex.
Men and women often report different levels of sex too.  For example – often when I ask couples in relationship how often they’re having sex, the one partner may say “once a month”  while the other will say “once a fortnight”.  And in studies on single college people, they’ve found that men tend to over-report the amount of sex they’re having, while women under report.

Here are my top tips for improving desire discrepancy problems.

  1. Talk about it.  Talk about what sex means to each of you and the relationship – try to understand each other feelings and point of view around it.
  2. Schedule in regular ‘date nights’.  This is a great way to ensure that you get quality together time that will build your emotional connection and intimacy.
  3. Compromise.  By compromise, I mean finding something that you both enjoy and starting there.  For example, if your partner wants sex, but you don’t maybe say “Hey, I really don’t feel like having sex tonight, but I’d really like to feel close to you – can we just cuddle and kiss for tonight without pressure for it to go further?
  4. Seek professional help – we all need a little help sometimes.  We have professionals for just about everything these days – improving our physical health, our businesses, our lives, our relationships and sex lives are just the same.  Asking for help doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you – it actually puts you in the category of people brave enough to take action to improve a really important part of their life!

Now, I want to hear from you!

Tell me:  Do you have arguments over the frequency of sex?  How do you overcome the problem?

Get Off to a Health Start

You’ve probably worked out that a healthy lifestyle is really important to me.

I work as holistically as I can with my clients helping them to boost their energy and their mood – in turn improving their sex lives and relationship.

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Heath is important to your sex life.

I’m following my own advice at the moment – I’m taking a couple of weeks R&R with a focus on getting my health back to its best before the year gets crazy again!

I’ve been speaking to one of my favourite health experts Mia Davis to make sure I start the year feeling my best!  I know you could really benefit from her advice too! Here’s some of what she had to say:

The First Step:

The first thing you have to do is get clear on your health goals. Do you want to lose weight, gain energy, eat healthier, or just learn how to cut out junk foods? Once you have a clear picture of what your goals are, create a realistic plan of action. A realistic approach to getting on track is making simple, consistent, and gradual changes to reach your best health.

For example, If your goal is to cut out sugar so you can clear cravings, start with having one sugarless meal a day. Many people make the mistake of doing what I call a “Cold Turkey” resolution. They cut out everything at once resulting in stronger cravings later. Make clear goals and a realistic plan of action to be successful in the long run.

3 Simple Tips to Improve Wellness:

To optimize your health, there are many things you can do. The most important steps you can take in a day are:


1.  Eat dark leafy greens with every meal. Yes, even breakfast! Greens are an essential part of eating for vibrant health and energy, yet it’s the one things missing from most diets. Kale, spinach, Swiss chard, collards, and beet greens are just a few of many to choose from.

2.  Move every chance you get. Your body doesn’t need exercise really, it just needs consistent movement. If you don’t have a gym membership, don’t worry. You can walk, run, dance, or play anywhere! Make it part of your daily and you’re golden.

3.  Take time to release. Stress is a monster. It can cause all sorts of problems. Each day, take a moment to release stress in ways that feel good to you. Take 10 minutes to breathe and re-center yourself. You’ll feel refreshed for the rest of your day.

But we’re all so busy!  How can we fit taking care of ourselves into our busy day?

Make it a priority. We make time for those things that we’re passionate about. If you’re passionate about getting healthy, melt it into your daily schedule. You may not have 30 free minutes, but you can break up that time into 10 minutes throughout your day. Take the stairs at work, use your lunch break to make healthier choices and take a quick walk. Do what works for you!

You can also combine activities so you’re nourishing two priorities in your life. Reconnect with your partner or kids over a bike ride. Make a great satisfying dinner together. You’re not just rejuvenating your physical health. You’re blossoming your emotional and relationship health as well. Combining activities is a great way to fit your health and happiness into a busy day!

Mia Davis is a holistic weight loss, nutrition, and lifestyle coach. She helps women create the body and life they love without counting calories, tracking points, or dieting. She is the founder of Blissful Chicks Wellness where she provides tips, resources, and empowered coaching towards living a beautiful healthy life. For natural remedies, recipes, and weight loss tips, visit: http://www.blissfulchicks.com

I really hope you’ll take some time to nourish and nurture yourself this week!!

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