Have you ever found that you can’t stop THINKING during sex?
Both women and men share with me their struggle to switch off their minds and just enjoy themselves.
We can be thinking about our performance and wonder if we’re doing the ‘right things’.
We can worry about how our body looks and what our lover is thinking about it.
Or we can just struggle to turn off thinking about all the things we have to do.
It’s distracting. It stops us enjoying ourselves fully. And it gets in the way of deep intimacy, because when we’re caught in our thoughts we can’t be truly present to our lover.
Tantra, the ancient Indian spiritual and sexual art that many of you know helps guide my work as a Sex Therapist, offers many practices for supporting us to get out of our head and become more embodied. Tantra teaches us that we can find spiritual awakening by embracing the body and senses fully, not by avoiding them like so many other spiritual practices.
When we can do this, we open to the possibility of greater pleasure, deep intimacy and a spiritual experience where self dissolves and we taste the ever-present oneness.
That’s what I want for you, beauty.
Pleasure, soulful intimacy and a taste of the Divine.
Here are 5 ways you can stop thinking, get out of your head + into your body in bed:
1. Recognise that under thoughts there is an emotion – probably fear
Excessive thinking is a way we unconsciously deal with emotions.
Underneath constant thinking will always be an emotion that we’re trying to solve or move away from by turning to our thoughts. But what we resist persists and when we’re not in touch with the emotion, it continues to bubble away, creating more thoughts. The way through is to recognise and open to the emotion.
When we can get in touch with the emotion that is running underneath, the thoughts will slow and fall away.
It may feel more vulnerable, but being in touch with our emotions is also how we discover deep presence and intimacy.
2. Focus on the breath + breathe deeply
Take a deep breath right now; a full deep breath in and then a full deep breath all the way out. Notice your body relax and the breath deepen and slow as you do.
We are such shallow breathers in the West. We often have a low background level of stress, and the tightness this causes makes our breathing shallow.
By placing our awareness on our breath, it will naturally deepen and slow.
Breathing deeply connects us to our body and helps us feel more sensation. It helps us create space between our thoughts and stops us being swept away by the constant tide of thought. Deep, conscious breaths will also help to calm any feelings of anxiety that we may be having.
When you find your mind racing, in bed or out, bring you awareness to your breath and take slow deep breaths all the way in and all the way out. Feel the breath expand your belly, chest and then shoulders. Notice tension subside as you breath out fully.
3. Stay with sensation + feel your body
When we’re being swept away by our thoughts, we lose touch with sensation in our body. It takes conscious effort to turn our awareness back to the body and what we’re feeling.
Practice turning your attention to the body, rather than your thoughts. When you notice thinking, come back to the body and sensation. You may need to do this a number of times, but that’s okay.
As you’re learning this, a Body Scan can help. In a Body Scan we give awareness to one part of the body at a time.
Begin by bringing your awareness to the top of your head, and then ‘scanning’ down through the body to see what you feel in each part. Perhaps you notice tension, pain, tingling or numbness in different areas. You might not notice much the first time you do this, but with practice, you will become more attuned to sensation and you’ll notice more. Eventually, you will be able to give awareness to your whole body at once without the need to scan.
Be gentle on yourself and remember, this is a practice, and it requires practice.
4. Discover + follow what your enjoy
Pleasure will naturally guide you into deeper embodiment.
When we’re not enjoying ourselves we will become more involved in our thoughts. Allow yourself to discover what you enjoy. Let your pleasure become your guide.
When you stay present and really LISTEN to your body, it will tell you how to move. Your body will move towards greater and greater pleasure when you allow it. You will learn what you love.
More and more you will get used to using your intuition to guide you to what feels good, and what feels good for your partner. You wont need to rely on your thinking to decide what to do; it will come from a deeper place of knowing and feeling.
5. Remember the most attractive thing you can do in bed is enjoy yourself
One of the most common thoughts that stops us enjoying ourselves fully during sex is worry about our performance or what we look like.
Let those thoughts go right now, beauty.
Your partner loves how you look, that’s why they’re in bed with you.
The sexiest thing you can do for a partner is enjoy yourself.
Allowing yourself to feel pleasure and be guided by it, is a gift to your partner.
Your pleasure, is one of the biggest turn ons for your lover. Your enthusiasm, not perfect technique is what you partner will enjoy most.
Embodiment and pleasure are practices beauty.
Stay focussed on your intention and use these techniques, they will support you to more embodiment, greater pleasure and deeper intimacy during sex.