Initiating sexual intimacy is a scary prospect for many of us.
We’re all sensitive to the shame of rejection. We can all feel worried about looking silly in front of the person we love. And many of us simply don’t know how to ‘make a move’.
Who usually initiates sex in your relationship?
Couples often fall into the pattern of one person always initiating intimacy – and in heterosexual relationships that role is predominately the man.
The ‘male sexual pursuer’ is a stereotype that continues. But unfortunately, when one person in the relationship is constantly responsible for initiating intimacy, both partners miss out.
Everyone likes to feel desired and wants to be wanted.
If one partner is always the initiator, then they miss out on how it feels to be pursued, so it’s only fair to balance things out.
As intimidating as it might feel, initiating also gives us an opportunity to take control and feel empowered about our sexuality.
In the past, society has taught women to be passive in regard to sex. It’s time to take this power back. In doing so, we have the opportunity to deepen the intimacy, love, and connection in our relationship.
Tantra encourages a beautiful dance between the masculine and the feminine. Switching these roles and changing our regular dynamic can add intimacy and passion.
As you might have learned on the podcast last week ‘everyone likes to be submissive sometimes’.
It’s also important to remember that initiating doesn’t mean you need to step into a masculine role. Tantra teaches us that the gift of the feminine is to open and receive. By opening, we offer an invitation to our lover to step into intimacy with us.
The feminine holds the power to invite and entice. So in our feminine energy, we can invite a lover to intimacy and sex with soul.
So what practical steps can you take next time you feel like being deeply intimate with your lover?
1. Talk about it together
Sometimes, subtle mating calls can be missed by our partner. It might be obvious to you that you’re initiating, but that doesn’t mean it’s clear to your partner.
So talk to each other about what your ‘signs’ are – remembering they may be different to each of you. This takes the guesswork out of it for both and you and means you’re less like to miss an opportunity when it arises.
You could start the conversation with something like:
- “Hey, I don’t know if you noticed or not, but last night I was trying to initiate intimacy with you. I’m wondering were you not interested, or was I just not making it clear enough?”
- “Sometimes I get the feeling you’re interested in having sex with me but aren’t quite sure how to ask. I’m wondering if there are some signals that I should be looking for that would let me know you’re interested?”
2. Develop your signals
Maybe the signs you have been using are a little too understated, or maybe you don’t have any at all. Choosing your signs and signals together is a great way to build intimacy and understanding.
You can look at what you already do and work out how to make it clearer, or talk together about what might work for you.
Some examples of signals you could use when you’re feeling open to intimacy are:
- Lighting a special candle in the bedroom or living room
- Leaving a small token on your partner’s pillow
- Putting a special blanket out on the bed
- Asking your partner if they’d like to have a shower with you before bed (wink wink)
3. Acknowledge the fear + open your heart
Take note of what holds you back from initiating intimacy. Get past your thoughts and really work out what the emotion is behind them.
Often, it’s fear.
Notice that perhaps you’re afraid that your partner will reject you, that you’ll feel embarrassed or that sex won’t be as intimate as you want.
Turn towards fear and open your heart. When we open our heart, fear can’t drive us, only love can.
Opening and acknowledging our emotions is powerful. The willingness to face our fears and be vulnerable also gives us the opportunity to bring our lover into a soulful connection.
4. Turn yourself on first
If you ever feel like you’re not initiating intimacy because you’re ‘not really in the mood’, you should read this blog post on ways to turn yourself on and why it’s important.
When we are turned on and lit up, we naturally want to share that with the person we love and connect deeply with them.
Turn yourself on first and initiating should become easier.
5. Build anticipation and excitement with sexy texts
Initiating sex with your partner will be easier if you’ve already set the mood. Letting your intentions be known via writing and words can be easier than in person.
Sending sexy text messages to your love is a beautiful way to make your partner feel wanted and desired.
It’s also a beautiful way to build intimacy and connection.
Building anticipation and excitement throughout the day may even mean that by the time your partner gets home, they’ll be the one making all the moves.
- I can’t wait to be in your arms tonight… Fancy coming to bed early with me, swapping a massage and seeing where things lead?
- I’ve been thinking about you all day. When you get home tonight I want you to take me to bed, take off all my clothes and make love to me the way you did (fill in one of your sexiest moments together here)
- Sweetheart, just giving you a heads up, I’m in the mood for passionate sex with you tonight. Are you interested?
- I’ve been having some very naughty thoughts about you today. I hope you’ll be home early tonight so we can make some of those thoughts come true…
6. Wear something that says it all
Wearing something that makes you feel sexy is a great signal to your partner. Invite and entice your partner with underwear or an outfit you know they’ll like.
7. Get out of your head + connect to your body and sensuality
When we get out of our heads and into our body, we connect with our sensuality. When we connect with our sensuality, it radiates from us and we become an invitation.
Our body will naturally move in a way that is enticing. We don’t need to think about what to do.
We can allow our body to move in a way that shows our sensuality, pleasure, and love.
This is a gift of the feminine, to open, to share our radiance and draw our lover into a soulful connection.
8. Just say it
There’s something to be said for taking the direct approach.
A woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it is a pretty big turn on.
You can say something like:
- “I’m trying to initiate intimacy right now – is that something you’re open to?”
- “Sweetheart, I’m feeling turned on tonight. Would you like to come to bed with me?”
- “I would love to be intimate with you right now. Are you in the mood to connect with me in that way?”
Though it can feel a little scary at first, with practice, initiating becomes easier.
Remember, that even if your partner isn’t in the mood, it’s not a rejection of you. They’re likely to appreciate you making an effort and wanting to be close to them.
Initiating with soul, shows a willingness to be vulnerable and to open to your partner which will, in turn, deepen the connection and love between you.