Sex toys are a great way to heighten pleasure, fun and intimacy in the bedroom. But, like sex itself, they can be a little awkward the first time.
Have you ever wanted to , but felt nervous about it?
Maybe you’re afraid your partner won’t be into it. Worried they’ll think they’re inadequate.
Or you just aren’t sure of how to bring it up.
You’re not alone.
One of the most common questions I receive about toys is: How do I talk to my partner about this?
Many couples I speak to have found that buying the sex toy was only their first hurdle. They bought one or two, but find they’re now tucked away in a drawer somewhere never to be used.
I get that too.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I wasn’t always comfortable or confident about sex.
The first time I tried to spice things up by using a sex toy in the bedroom is a good example…
I sexily (or so I thought) reached over to my bedside table while my partner and I were being intimate, pulled out my vibrator and suggested ‘we could try using this?’
Needless to say, it didn’t go down very well.
‘Um… I don’t think so’, was his response as he took my vibrating companion and put it back in the draw never to be spoken of again.
Thankfully, I’ve had many experiences since then that were far more positive.
There are many ways/times you can use a sex toy in the bedroom.
Maybe you’re in a new relationship and want to add some extra fun?
Maybe a toy helps you reach orgasm?
Or maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and feel like you’re in a bit of a rut?
Here’s a word of warning, however:
Using pleasure toys alone is unlikely to revamp your sex life entirely.
If you’re looking for a magic bullet to increase desire, add some excitement or fix your relationship challenges, this isn’t it. It’s also why a lot of sex toys end up sitting at the back of your sock draw.
Want to know what can make the biggest difference to your sex life?
Couples who can communicate about sex have consistently better sex. Which makes sense, right?
That being said, pleasure toys can bring more pleasure, fun and excitement for both of you. Especially when used in conjunction with good communication.
Here are the 6 steps I recommend for introducing these toys for the first time:
1. Build connection, trust and safety in your relationship
It’s important that you both feel safe and accepted in your relationship.
If you’re going through a period of arguing about sex – or if you haven’t had sex for a while – this isn’t the best time to introduce a toy to your relationship.
2. Talk about it
Being able to talk about sex – calmly, openly and honestly makes an enormous difference to sexual enjoyment.
When considering introducing sex toys to your relationship, have a conversation about it first, so you can get consent and ensure you understand each other’s desires.
Here are some ways you might raise this with a partner:
I love that we still have a really enjoyable sex life together. I’ve had this fantasy for a while about you using my vibrator on me. Would you be willing to explore this with me?
I’ve been thinking that it might be fun to experiment with a vibrator, with you. I’m wondering if that’s something you would be open to?
I heard about a new website selling sex toys the other day. I thought trying something like that might be really fun for us. Would you be interested?
Openly listen to your partner’s feelings about it too.
3. Choose a toy you both feel good about
It can be helpful to go shopping together for a toy that you both feel comfortable with. Two toys that I recommend for couples are the and .
They can both be easily incorporated into penetration intercourse, which often makes them more appealing to couples.
Here’s another reason they’re great:
30% of women don’t reach orgasm through penetration sex alone, so the addition of stimulation to the clitoris can help you reach orgasm during penetration.
4. Go slowly
Some sex toys like the can be used on both of you – and their benefits aren’t just limited to the genitals. You can use a vibrator over your partner’s entire body to build sensation and excitement during foreplay. They can feel especially great used against the butt and nipples. Tease each other with the toy so you can both feel more comfortable with it.
5. Persist and experiment
It’s always helpful to bring a sense of humour to sex. Using sex toys with a partner won’t always go smoothly the first time. Let go of any pressure to ‘get it right’. Be willing to explore and have fun together.
6. Keep communicating
Remember, communication is key. Make sure you keep communicating about what feels good for you and what doesn’t. If you’re more familiar with using toys yourself, it can be helpful to show your partner just how you like the toy to be used.