You raise something that’s been bothering you. Your partner goes quiet, or leaves the room, or says “can we talk about this later.” You push a little harder, because later never seems to come. Now you’re not even arguing about the original issue anymore. You’re arguing about the fact that one of you wants to talk and the other doesn’t.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not bad at communicating. You’re likely just wired differently in conflict, and once you can name that difference, a lot of the charge goes out of it.
In my clinical work, I’ve noticed people tend to fall into one of two styles when something is wrong between them: Openers and Closers.
Openers try to preserve harmony by opening things up. Their emotions sit closer to the surface, and talking about what’s bothering them feels like the fastest way back to okay. In conflict, they may talk more, talk faster, or get more intense, not because they want a fight, but because they’re trying to get somewhere. From the inside, it can feel urgent: if we don’t talk about this now, it won’t get better.
Closers try to preserve harmony by not making things worse. They’re often more internally focused, and they need time to work out what they’re feeling before they can put it into words. During conflict, they may go quiet or withdraw, not because they don’t care, but because space is what helps them think clearly. From the inside, it can feel protective: if I stay quiet, this won’t blow up.
Neither style is wrong. Both are genuine attempts to protect the relationship. They just look like the opposite of care to a partner who works the other way.
An Opener reads silence as avoidance, or worse, as not caring. A Closer reads pursuit as pressure, or an ambush. So the Opener pushes harder to get a response, and the Closer pulls back further to get some room, and both of you end up more convinced that the other one is the problem.
This is usually the moment couples show up in my office describing “we just can’t communicate.” Often, they can. They’re communicating in two different languages, both fluently, and interpreting the other’s language as a personal attack.
Naming your own style, and your partner’s, tends to bring immediate relief. What looked like pressure or avoidance starts to look like a difference in processing.
A few honest questions to sit with, on your own or together:
When something is bothering me, do I want to talk about it straight away, or do I need time first?
During conflict, do my emotions come up fast, or take longer to find words for?
When a conversation gets tense, is my instinct to keep talking it through, or to pull back?
After an argument, do I want to repair quickly, or do I need space before I can reconnect?
If you lean toward “talk now, work it through”, you’re likely an Opener. If you lean toward “I need time before I can put this into words” , you’re likely a Closer. Many people move between the two depending on who they’re with or what’s at stake, and that’s normal too.
Once you both know which way you lean, you can actually negotiate around it. An Opener can ask for a specific time to return to the conversation, rather than needing it resolved immediately. A Closer can commit to that return time, rather than going quiet indefinitely. Neither of you has to become the other person. You just need a bridge between the two styles.
If this pattern feels familiar in your own relationship, it’s often one of the first things we work through together in couples therapy, because once you can see the cycle, it becomes much easier to step out of it.
Book a call with me and my team.
Isiah and her team can help you with a range of relationship issues. We are here to help wherever you are located. Click through below to learn more and book your complementary 15min intake call.
🔗 Brisbane Couples Counselling
You can also visit my instagram here
Read my other articles here
