Are you looking for a deeper connection in your relationship? You’re not alone.
Many long term couples that I see in therapy tell me that they’ve started to feel like ships passing in the night.
They’re so busy, they have so much to juggle. Weeks pass and they feel like they barely have time together. They want their connection back, but they’re not sure where to start.
Even people in new relationships often share that they want to help take their relationship to the next level, but they’re not sure how.
You might have tried to build intimacy in your relationship already. Perhaps by asking your partner to talk, trying to get them to open up or even by increasing physical connection between you.
It’s disheartening when your attempts for more intimacy don’t work – and painful when intimacy goes missing.
But don’t worry, deeper intimacy is possible.
Intimacy isn’t living in the same house, going on dates, or having things in common. It isn’t being naked together, sleeping together or even sharing orgasms…
True emotional intimacy is knowing, understanding and accepting each other. It’s about knowing each other’s inner world, each other’s fears, hopes and dreams. Intimacy is about feeling seen, heard and valued for who you truly are – not just how you appear on the outside.
Intimacy requires a curiosity and willingness to get to know the other. Along with vulnerability and willingness to be seen.
We have to choose intimacy and take steps to cultivate and nurture it. It doesn’t ‘just happen’ on its own.
Emotional connection between partners is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.
Research by Dr Sue Johnson, founder of the Gold Standard of Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, found that secure emotional bonds are what gives a relationship strength.
When you tune into each other’s emotional worlds you feel closer and more connected.
When you have emotional intimacy, you feel understood by a partner. You know that your partner has your back and you feel like you can rely on them.
As individuals, you’re more resilient and your relationship becomes stronger.
You feel like you can take on the world together. And your relationship is more likely to last through stress and avoid conflict.
Emotionally Focused Therapy is so effective because it focuses on creating and strengthening emotional bonds by encouraging partners to express their deepest needs and fears, fostering an environment where vulnerability is not just safe but valued.
When intimacy goes missing, it’s painful.
You can end up feeling like you just don’t know each other anymore. You can find that you turn to others to share your wins – and your challenges.
The disconnection often grows slowly, taking couples by surprise as they just try to get through busy lives. Even the strongest couples can notice this slow disconnection.
In Relationship Counselling, we call this disconnection ‘Emotional Disengagement’. Over time, it damages your relationship.
In fact, the most common cause of separation and divorce isn’t big arguments or major betrayal.
Research shows that the biggest cause of relationship breakdown is Emotional Disengagement and disconnection.
But you can rebuild your connection, deepen your intimacy and create a strong relationship. As a Couples Counsellor and Sexologist, I want to share some practical ways you can increase emotional connection and strengthen your relationship.
Research by Dr John Gottman shows that couples who have strong relationships know each other’s inner world well. They stay interested in each other, know each other’s likes, dislikes, worries and dreams. They know what’s going on for each other day to day.
Studies have also shown that curiosity can significantly enhance the depth of your connection and enhance intimacy. Curiosity helps conversations get richer, intimacy to deepen and bonds to become stronger.
Remember to ask questions about your partner, be curious about what’s going on for them.
If there was a way to experience deep intimacy without vulnerability, trust me, I would have found it. Vulnerability feels hard – for all of us. We risk being exposed, rejected, not enough once we truly reveal ourselves.
But we cannot have true intimacy without vulnerability.
As the incomparable researcher and speaker Brene Brown says:
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honour the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
Having a daily check in is a powerful practice that all of the couples I work with in therapy end up building into their lives.
With busy lives to juggle, many couples find that they don’t really have quality time to spend together anymore. They get home, they’re cooking dinner and maybe juggling kids… then they watch a show together and go to bed. Conversation often becomes about logistics or just the necessities to get them through the next day.
A daily check-in is time for the two of you to connect. It gives you the space to have conversations that go beyond the day to day. To really find out how the other person is and what’s happening in their inner world.
Setting aside 20 minutes to check in and really find out how each other is doing is a powerful way to build intimacy.
When Michael* and Sandy* (not their real names) first came to see me, there wasn’t a lot of passion or connection between them. Their relationship was flat. I could feel it as soon as I met them.
They’d had a busy few years with two young children and demanding jobs.. They kept planning on having a date night, but there never seemed to be time… And it was all just so hard to organise.
But in our first session when I asked about how they met and the early stages of their relationship, they both lit up. A new energy filled the space as they told me about the adventures they used to have going to bars and watching live music in Melbourne. Their shared love of music, fun and dance had helped them build a strong foundation in their relationship. But it was a long time since they’d had any kind of adventure between them.
Playing together is part of how all mammals bond with each other.
Think about it – if you want to connect with a child or a dog, you play with them. Adult humans aren’t that different. We connect deeply with the people we laugh and play with.
When couples engage in play and fun activities together, it does more than just bring smiles and laughter; it triggers the release of beneficial hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins.
These hormones enhance our mood, create feelings of happiness, and foster a sense of bonding and attachment. Dopamine, often referred to as the ‘feel-good hormone,’ is associated with the reward and pleasure centres in our brain, making us feel euphoric and connected to our partner. Oxytocin, known as the ‘cuddle hormone,’ creates a sense of trust and deepens the emotional bond.
With some prompting Michael and Sandy began to carve out time for the two of them again. Doing the things that they had both loved so much at the beginning of their relationship. It didn’t take long for them to feel the shift. Week after week I could see the energy and life flow back into their relationship as they laughed and had adventures together again.
They weren’t always big adventures, but along with the other work we did together, it transformed their relationship, helping them to regain their spark.
You probably think that your partner knows everything you appreciate them, and they might, but sharing it builds appreciation, love and connection between you.
Early in therapy, I often share a game with couples that helps them exchange appreciation for each other. Many times, I’ve seen couples end up in tears of love and gratitude as they remember what they appreciate about each other. It’s incredibly beautiful to witness.
When we share appreciation with a partner, we’re deepening intimacy in two ways: we’re letting our partner know that we see them and we’re letting them know what we value.
Consistency is key to building and maintaining trust in a relationship. It’s about being reliable, not just with big promises but in the day-to-day.
This predictability creates a sense of safety and security in the relationship, forming the foundation upon which deeper intimacy can be built.
Trust is the glue that holds everything together, so prioritise keeping your word and being there when you say you will.
Don’t like conflict? Me either.
It’s painful to be in an argument or feel disconnected from the person we love.
But did you know that when we learn to do conflict well, it can actually create a deeper connection?
When we learn to fight well, conflict can become an avenue for vulnerability, deeper understanding and team work.
Really.
I have to admit that I’m completely biased on this, because touch is my Love Language. But there’s strong scientific research backing me up.
Couples who maintain passionate sex lives throughout their relationship regularly enjoy physical touch that doesn’t lead to sex.
Physical touch helps us release oxytocin. Remember that bonding hormone I mentioned earlier? Oxytocin builds trust and helps us feel connected.
Non-sexual physical touch—like holding hands, hugging, or a casual caress—can significantly enhance emotional intimacy. It’s a way of letting your partner know that you’re there for them and you care.
*James (again, not his real name), reminds me of a lot of men that I see in Couples Counselling and Sexology sessions. He’s never been to counselling before and it isn’t really his thing, but his relationship is important to him so he’s willing to give it a go.
He explains to me that the lack of sex between he and his wife Cath* is really challenging for him… and it’s starting to impact other areas of the relationship.
He feels closest to Cath after they’ve made love. It’s after sex that he feels really safe and connected. And it’s when he feels most like talking to Cath about what’s really going on.
And it’s not surprising given the powerful cocktail or hormones and endorphins that are released when we have sex. In particular, that bonding hormone oxytocin is released in large amounts, enhancing feelings of trust and attachment and making partners feel more emotionally connected to each other.
To maintain sexual connection in a relationship, we have to make it a priority. Making sex a priority plays a crucial role in maintaining passion and intimacy according to research by Dr John Gottman.
Relationships are complex – and can be challenging at times! When disconnection starts to grow, it can feel daunting to try to get things back on track, especially if resentment has been building between you.
Therapy can help. Having a neutral third party present to help with connection, communication and practical tools can make the world of difference.
Myself and my team of therapists are trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy, specialising in creating deeper bonds between you.
You don’t have to do this alone.
