In this article, we’ll explore
Have you ever had a disagreement with your partner over something you saw on their social media?
Have you ever worried about what your partner is looking at online?
Have you ever felt like your partner was completely checked out because they were looking at their phone instead of you?
You’re definitely not alone.
Some challenges around social media are pretty clear cut… That intimate conversation with your ex who just popped up is probably a no-no for anyone.
But the challenges with social media cover some grey areas too… Social media and device etiquette is different for everyone and our unexpressed boundaries and expectations can show up big time in this arena.
Social media chat can obscure the boundaries of what appropriate conversation is – creating a false sense of intimacy and at the same time creating a disconnect from reality. People will often share intimate details or have discussions with someone online that they wouldn’t have in person.
Interactions like this can feel like a massive betrayal and break trust in a relationship. Even if the interactions are seen as harmless by the person having the conversations, they can create deep wounds and insecurities in their partner.
It’s crucial for couples to establish clear boundaries and communicate openly about what is considered appropriate behaviour online.
When I asked my Instagram followers what their biggest frustrations with social media in relationships was, not liking who their partner follows online came up as the biggest concern.
While following Instagram models or scantily clad fitness experts might feel okay for one partner, it’s often a course of tension for the other.
It often leads to feelings of inadequacy and jealousy for one partner. While causing frustration and confusion for the partner who doesn’t think they’re doing anything wrong.
And honestly, this is a huge grey area… what’s okay for one person or one partnership might not be okay for others.
It’s important for partners to discuss and understand the impact their online activities have on each other’s emotional well-being.
Social media often leaves connections open to others that would otherwise be firmly shut. Ex-partners or intimate friends can reappear at unexpected moments, leading to temptation, confusion and hurt.
In my sessions with Sarah and Tom, it was clear that each partner had different boundaries that they wanted honoured. Sarah wanted to set a boundary that they wouldn’t be in touch with exes as a way of respecting their current relationship. Tom wanted to set a boundary that he could choose who he interacted with on social media as long as he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Tom felt that blocking his ex on social media would have a ripple effect through his friends that he didn’t want to have to deal with.
Through many difficult conversations, we were eventually able to create understanding between them and a way forward that felt okay for both of them.
How long have you spent trying to get the perfect picture for Instagram while you’re out?
Dates are enough pressure without having to get the perfect picture of them too. But for some couples, getting that perfect picture can build up into huge frustration. Social media can detract from the present moment, turning intimate occasions into performative events for online validation. This can make one partner feel undervalued and question the authenticity of their shared experiences.
This was the case for John who had planned a romantic night out for Anne after a few months of tension. He hoped they would spend the night reconnecting and off their phones… but Anne, who felt like she’d had so little to be excited about for a while, wanted to get the perfect pictures of everything as the night progressed. They both arrived at my office the following week still feeling upset and disappointed at how the night had played out.
Have you heard the phrase ‘Turning towards each other’?
Turning towards each other, a concept emphasised by Gottman’s research, involves responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection. By consistently engaging with and valuing each other’s attempts at interaction, couples enhance their intimacy and mutual understanding, foundational elements for a lasting partnership.
Guess what people in therapy often share as a major reason their partner doesn’t engage in their bids for connection?
Yep, it’s because they’re paying attention to their phone and not their partner.
Especially when a relationship is growing apart, couples often notice they spend more time on their phone each night than they do in conversation with each other.
Ouch.
When is the right time to make your relationship Facebook official?
The answer to that question has caused many conflicts between couples.
While it might seem trivial these decisions reflect deeper values and expectations about privacy, boundaries, and how a couple is perceived publicly.
Terry walked into my office frustrated that the accounts Jane had started following on social media had given her an unrealistic idea of what their relationship should be like. Jane felt she was finally seeing what a relationship could be like and wanted change between them.
This was a hard grey area to navigate. Who do you feel was right here?
Through the course of therapy, both Jane and Terry could see each other’s point of view and were able to gain the tools needed to find a relationship that was right for them.
But their struggle is common for many couples – leading to conflict and division.
Oh boy, have I heard about some painful arguments that started with one partner seeing a comment, like or shared post on a social media post and interpreting that in a negative way.
A simple comment or like on social media can easily be misunderstood, potentially leading to feelings of jealousy or mistrust between partners.
All of this being said, social media has some surprising benefits – beyond the obvious relationships that started by someone ‘sliding into the DMs’…
Social media can be a valuable educational tool, offering access to articles, expert advice, and discussions that enhance a couple’s understanding of relationship dynamics.
Caleb on Instagram told me that both he and his partner had learned a lot from the educational posts that they’d seen on socials and that their relationship is definitely better for it.
Sending a post or article to a partner is often a great way to initiate conversations you don’t normally have. Social media often prompts discussions between partners on topics they might not have considered discussing, leading to deeper understanding and connection.
Of course, you have to be mindful that it isn’t misinterpreted!
Couples can use social media to discover and engage in activities they both enjoy, fostering bonding and creating opportunities for quality time.
Social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook allow couples to document their experiences and milestones, serving as a digital scrapbook of their journey together.
Social media offers a platform for partners to publicly celebrate each other’s achievements and milestones, strengthening their relationship bond through appreciation and support.
A beautiful post popped up on my feed recently of a man completely celebrating his partner’s hula hoop skills! The comments were full of people not just in admiration for her skills, but his reverence for his partner.
Many of the couples who show up for therapy with me have found me on Instagram. They often haven’t realised that help was available before seeing me speak about it on social media.
Social media has shown that there is help and support available and often has people feel less awkward or ashamed when they’re reaching out for help.
Feel uncomfortable with what your partner is viewing online?
Wish that they would spend less time looking at their phone at night?
Here’s how you can bring it up with them, without starting an argument…
Initiating the conversation with a positive intention sets a cooperative tone. Begin by acknowledging the value of your relationship and your desire to enhance it.
For example, you might start by saying, “I really value the time we spend together, and I want us to make the most of it. I’ve been thinking about how we use our phones and what we might do to make our time together even better.”
Expressing your feelings openly helps prevent defensive responses. Let them know how certain online behaviours affect you without placing blame.
You could say, “I feel a bit lonely when we’re both on our phones at night. It makes me miss the good conversations we used to have.”
Or “I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable and insecure about some of the Instagram profiles I’ve seen you following.”
‘I’ statements allow you to communicate your needs and feelings without making your partner feel accused.
For instance, say, “I feel concerned when I see that we’re spending a lot of our evening time on our phones. It makes me feel like we’re missing out on connecting with each other.”
Or “I feel insecure when I see how perfect their bodies are and I can’t help but compare myself to them. I end up doubting how attracted you really are to me.”
Encourage your partner to share their perspective and listen actively. You’ll get a better outcome if you feel like you’re interested in their perspective, rather than trying to make demands.
You can invite their input by saying, “I want to understand your thoughts on this too. What’s your take on how we use social media and our phones?”
Or, “I want to be clear that I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong here. I understand we all have different boundaries. Can you help me understand more about what following those accounts means to you?”
Finding a middle ground shows that you respect each other’s needs. After discussing, you might suggest, “Maybe we could designate some phone-free time during the evening where we can just focus on each other or find a hobby we could do together instead of being on our phones. What do you think about that?”
Or “I want us both to feel respected and secure in this relationship. And I want you to feel like you’re free to make your own decisions. Can we have a conversation about how we can meet each other’s needs here?”
As popular as it is, social media is still relatively new to our intimate relationships. As norms and expectations around it continue to change, we’ll need to continue to navigate these changes.
Communication and compromise is always the key. To ensure that your digital habits enhance your emotional bond rather than hinder it, it’s essential to establish clear guidelines and intentions about technology use within your relationship.
Raise concerns you have with your partner gently and try to reach understanding together.
If a digital issue is causing conflict between you, consider reaching out to a relationship counsellor for support.
Social media can have benefits. Use technology to send supportive messages or share things that make you think of your partner during the day, which can strengthen your connection.
As always I’ve changed my clients names and personal details to protect their privacy, but their stories are real.
