Learning how to ask for what you want in bed can feel awkward or intimidating, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself and your relationship…
💬 “You deserve to feel heard, confident, and connected in the bedroom.”
I’ll guide you through:
Discussing your sexual desires can feel incredibly vulnerable, and there are many reasons why this conversation might be difficult. Understanding these challenges can help you feel more prepared and confident.
Before you can communicate your desires to your partner, you need to be clear on what those desires are. Many of us, especially women, were never taught that it’s okay to have desires or to ask for what we want in bed. So, we don’t even know what we should ask for from a partner!
Taking some time to reflect on your needs and preferences can make asking for what you want feel more natural.
🧠 Self-Reflection and Fantasy Exploration
Spend some time thinking about what excites and intrigues you. Fantasising or journaling about your desires can be a great way to tap into your preferences. Ask yourself questions like:
“What are my favourite sexual experiences or memories, and what made them so enjoyable?”
“Are there any fantasies I’ve had but never shared with anyone?”
🚫 Understanding Your Boundaries
Knowing what you don’t want is just as important as knowing what you do want. Reflect on what feels safe and comfortable, as well as what areas you’re open to exploring further.
✋ Exploring Through Self-Pleasure
Exploring your body through self-pleasure can help you discover what feels good and what sensations you enjoy. This self-awareness can make it easier to guide your partner.
🔍 Taking Note of Curiosity
Curiosity is a great guide to discovering new experiences. If you’ve read or heard about something that piqued your interest, consider whether it’s something you’d like to explore together.
🤝 Experimenting Together
You don’t need all the answers before you begin trying this with a partner. You can experiment together about what you like, allowing each other to be curious and try new things without judgment or a need for it to be perfect.
Having conversations about sex can feel daunting, but these discussions are often not as difficult as they seem. Keeping a few practical strategies in mind can make the process smoother and more effective.
🕐 Choose the Right Moment
Initiating a conversation about sex can be awkward, so timing is key. Small requests, like adjusting the tempo or trying a different position, can be made in the moment. However, when introducing a brand-new idea, such as experimenting with sex toys or role play, have the conversation outside the bedroom. Pick a calm, comfortable setting, and don’t be afraid to schedule a time if needed.
🔁Make It an Open and Two-Way Dialogue
Your partner isn’t a mind reader. If you’re afraid of being judged or hurting their feelings, remember that direct and honest communication takes away the guesswork and ensures you’re both on the same page. You might even discover that your partner has their own desires and fantasies they’d like to explore. Encourage them to share by asking open-ended questions like, “What turns you on?” or “Is there something you’ve always wanted to try?”
🔄 Practice Makes Perfect
Talking about your fantasies or desires can feel awkward at first, but it becomes easier with practice. The conversation itself can even become foreplay, leading to greater physical intimacy. When trying something new in the bedroom, communicate clearly with your partner. Use phrases like “I like that” or “That feels good” to provide positive reinforcement. If something doesn’t feel right, gently suggest an alternative: “That doesn’t feel good; can we try something else?”
💬 Check In With Your Partner
During intimate moments, make sure to check in with your partner to see how they’re feeling. Questions like, “Do you like it when I touch you there?” or “Is this pace okay for you?” can help ensure that you’re both enjoying the experience. Take your time exploring each other’s desires and see what feels best for both of you.
🚫 Don’t Take No Personally
The fear of rejection often prevents people from being open about their desires, but remember that not everyone has the same preferences. If your partner says no to a suggestion, respect their boundaries. This doesn’t reflect on you personally. If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, consider talking to a trained Couples Therapist to work through any mismatched desires.
🔄 It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
Consent is ongoing, and it’s perfectly fine to change your mind at any time. If something you thought you’d enjoy doesn’t feel right in the moment, let your partner know. Similarly, if a suggestion from your partner turns out to be less enjoyable than expected, communicate that honestly. Exploring in the bedroom is all about mutual consent, and trial and error can be a fun and exciting part of your journey together.
These scripts are designed to help you approach the conversation with clarity and confidence, whether you’re expressing a desire, setting a boundary, or checking in with your partner.
Starting the Conversation
→“I really love how close we are, and I feel so grateful for our connection. I’ve been thinking about ways we can make our intimate moments even more enjoyable. Can we talk about what we both like and what we’d like to try?”
→“I love how we’re always exploring new things together, and I’d like to share some ideas I think could make things even better for us. Are you open to that?”
Expressing Your Desires
→“I always feel so connected to you when we’re intimate. Something I’d really love to try is [describe the idea]. How do you feel about that?”
→“It turns me on when you [describe something they already do]. I wonder if we could try [something new] and see how it feels.”
→“I love when we share these moments. It makes me feel so close to you. I’ve been thinking it might be fun to try [something new]. What do you think?”
Asking for Something Different
→“That feels really good, and what I would really like right now is [describe what you want].”
→“Can you try that a little [harder/softer] or go [faster/slower]? I think that would feel amazing.”
→“I loved what you were doing earlier. Can you go back to that?”
→“That’s a little uncomfortable for me. Can I show you how I like to be touched there?”
→“I’m enjoying this, but I think it could feel even better if we tried [describe the change]. What do you think?”
Setting Boundaries or Saying No
→“I really appreciate how much you care about my comfort and pleasure. I’m curious about that idea, but I’d like to go slowly and see how it feels.”
→“I love that you’re open to trying new things with me. I’m not comfortable with that specific idea, but I’d be excited to explore [an alternative you’re okay with].”
→“I value our trust and honesty. That doesn’t feel right for me, but I’d love to talk about other things we could try together.”
Checking in with Your Partner
→“I love being close to you, and I want to make sure we’re both feeling good. Do you like it when I do this? Is there anything you’d like me to do differently?”
→“I care so much about your experience. How does this feel for you? Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to change or if you’re enjoying it.”
→“You mean so much to me, and I want to make this as amazing as possible for both of us. Is there anything I can do to make this even better for you?”
It can feel difficult to please a partner when you’re not sure what they want. You might have tried to get your partner to be more vocal about what they do or don’t like but hit a stone wall. Many people want more direction from their partners but end up feeling frustrated when they don’t get it. Here are some tips to help encourage your partner to open up and share their desires.
They may feel vulnerable, fear being judged, or have past experiences that make it hard to talk about sex openly. Societal norms and cultural messages can also contribute to discomfort around discussing desires. Understanding these factors can help you approach the conversation with empathy and patience.
Show your partner that it’s okay to talk about sex by being open about your own desires and preferences. When you express what you want in a positive and non-judgmental way, it can inspire them to do the same.
Instead of yes-or-no questions, try asking things like, “What makes you feel most connected to me during sex?” or “Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t brought up?” This invites your partner to share without feeling pressured.
Let your partner know that you’re there to listen without judgment. You can say, “I’m curious about what feels good for you, and I want to make sure our experiences are enjoyable for both of us. Your comfort and happiness matter to me.”
Remind your partner that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to preferences and fantasies. Reiterate that you value their honesty and that you’re open to exploring together, as long as it’s something you both feel comfortable with.
When your partner does share something, respond with appreciation. Even if it’s something unexpected, acknowledge their vulnerability. For example, “Thank you for sharing that with me. I really appreciate your honesty, and I’d love to explore this together if you’re comfortable.”
Not everyone finds it easy to talk about sex, and it may take time for your partner to open up. Let them know there’s no rush and that you’re happy to keep the lines of communication open whenever they’re ready.
