Pelvic pain can also be difficult to talk about.
You might struggle to talk to your partner about this or worry about how it will impact the relationship long-term. If you’re thinking of dating you might wonder how to raise this with a new partner, worry that it will stop someone wanting to be with you – or just avoid dating altogether.
This article aims to provide you with practical steps to improve your communication and build emotional connection with your partner, despite your pain.
We’ll cover:
As a Couples Therapist and Sexologist, I’ve been working with individuals and couples for over 15 years. I have seen firsthand the challenges that pelvic pain can bring to a relationship, but I have also witnessed the incredible transformations that can occur when couples learn to communicate openly and support each other.
Pelvic pain doesn’t need to keep you from the intimate connection you deserve.
Many women have successfully navigated these difficulties and strengthened their relationships.
I hope this article can provide some hope and support.
Open, honest communication is vital for a strong relationship and enjoyable intimacy. When it comes to sensitive issues like pelvic pain however, many couples hit some pretty big roadblocks.
Pelvic pain doesn’t just hurt physically – it can create emotional and relational challenges that make it tough to have honest conversations.
Many clients that I work with tell me their frustration and hurt at trying to talk about their pain with a partner, but end up feeling more guilty, frustrated or alone.
Your partner struggles to understand
You might find that your partner struggles to understand the depth of your pain, and this can create a fear of judgement. It’s common to worry that your partner might not take your pain seriously or might even dismiss it as a minor issue.
You can feel embarrassed or ashamed
Talking about pelvic pain and its impact on your sex life can be deeply personal and uncomfortable. You might feel embarrassed, guilty or blame yourself for the pain. These feelings can make it tempting to avoid the topic altogether, leaving you to deal with the pain alone.
You can both feel helpless (and hopeless)
Lack of knowledge about pelvic pain and its treatment can also contribute to communication challenges. It’s easy for either of you to feel overwhelmed or hopeless when you’re not sure what you can do to fix things.
Emotions can run high
Conversations about pain and intimacy can trigger strong emotions, such as anger, sadness, or defensiveness in both of you. You might find that these emotions make it difficult to stay calm and focused, derailing productive discussions.
You can make unhelpful assumptions
You and your partner might make assumptions about each other’s feelings or reactions, leading to miscommunication and conflict. For instance, you might assume that bringing up your pain will lead to arguments or make your partner feel rejected. These assumptions can create a barrier to effective communication and prevent you from addressing the issue head-on.
It can just become too hard to talk about
The fear of conflict or discomfort can make it easier to avoid the topic of pelvic pain altogether. However, this avoidance can exacerbate the problem, leading to increased emotional distance and frustration over time.
It’s hard to find time for sensitive conversations
Choosing the right moment to discuss your pain and its impact is key to having a constructive dialogue. But it can feel hard to find time for these challenging conversations.
Past relationship issues can be under the surface
Additionally, past conflicts or unresolved issues can resurface during these discussions, making it harder to focus on the current problem. Previous hurts can interfere with your ability to communicate about pelvic pain, adding another layer of complexity to the conversation.
You never deserve to be shamed or made to feel guilty because of your pain. Your pain is not your fault – and I know that you’re doing everything you can to overcome it.
You deserve to feel heard and understood. Learning to communicate well together can help you work as a team and build a stronger bond.
Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship, but it becomes even more important when dealing with sensitive issues like pelvic pain. Effective communication can help you and your partner navigate the emotional and physical challenges together, fostering understanding and empathy.
By discussing your feelings and needs openly, you can prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger, more harmonious connection. Talking about your pain and its impact on your intimacy can be a transformative experience, leading to deeper emotional bonds and a more supportive partnership.
Starting a new relationship is exciting, but it can also be nerve-wracking if you need to discuss sensitive topics like pelvic pain. Here’s a way to approach this conversation with a new partner, ensuring clarity and maintaining intimacy without sex.
“I really enjoy spending time with you and getting to know you better. There’s something important I want to share with you. I have a condition that causes me a lot of pain during sex. Because of this, I’m not able to have penetrative sex right now.”
“I know this might be unexpected, and I understand if you have questions or need time to think about it. It’s important to me to be honest with you because I really care about our connection and want to find ways to be intimate that don’t involve sex.”
You might feel anxious about initiating any form of physical touch because you’re worried it could lead to sex, which is painful for you. Here’s how you might start the conversation:
“I’ve been feeling really anxious about being physically close because I’m afraid it might lead to sex, which has been painful for me. I want you to know it’s not about not wanting to be close to you, but I’m scared of the pain. Can we talk about ways to be intimate that don’t cause me pain?”
You might feel like your partner doesn’t understand the extent of your pain and its impact on you. Here’s a way to express that:
“I’ve been feeling really lonely and misunderstood lately because of the pain I’m experiencing. It’s hard for me to talk about it, but I need you to understand how much it affects me, both physically and emotionally. Can we find some time to talk about this more?”
Your partner might feel helpless and frustrated, not knowing how to support you. Here’s how you might address that:
“I know this situation is difficult for you too, and I see that you want to help but aren’t sure how. It would mean a lot to me if we could talk about what kind of support I need and how you can best help me through this. I really want to feel like we’re a team in this.”
You might want to ensure that you stay emotionally connected despite the physical challenges. Here’s a way to bring that up:
“I miss feeling close to you, and I want to make sure we keep our emotional connection strong. Can we set aside some time each week to just talk and spend quality time together without any pressure for it to lead to sex?”
You might be seeking ways to be intimate without sexual pressure. Here’s how you might suggest that:
“I want us to feel close and affectionate, even if sex is off the table for now. How about we focus on other forms of intimacy, like cuddling or giving each other massages? It’s important for me to feel connected to you in these ways.”
Know that you deserve the same respect, understanding and empathy in return.
Maintaining a strong relationship can be challenging when faced with the limitations that pelvic pain imposes. However, with empathy, understanding, and intentional effort, you can keep your bond strong and resilient. It’s essential to remember that your relationship is built on more than just physical intimacy; emotional connection, time, mutual support, and shared experiences are equally important. By focusing on these aspects, you can nurture a loving and harmonious relationship that thrives despite the obstacles.
Maintain Emotional Connection
Spend time together. Make time each day to talk about how your day was. Plan dates where you can have fun and be playful together.
Share appreciation for each other. This is a great way to deepen emotional intimacy.
Building emotional intimacy doesn’t need to be complicated or take hours of your time. For short, playful ways of building intimacy and connection, check our Closer Connected: Your 7 Day Relationship Reboot.
Build Non-Sexual Intimacy
Physical touch helps our bodies release oxytocin, a neurochemical that helps us feel more bonded and connected. Exploring non-sexual intimate touch can build connection, trust and relaxation.
Consider exploring other forms of affection like cuddling, holding hands, and massages.Make sure these are activities that you both enjoy and that any touch you engage in feels good to you.
Seek Professional Help
Navigating pelvic pain and painful sex can be challenging. Know that you don’t need to do it alone.
Counselling and Sexology can give you emotional support and practical tools for navigating difficult conversations, strengthening your relationship and rebuilding intimacy.
