As a Couples Counsellor and Sexologist I help couples learn to talk openly about sex, build understanding and work as a team. In this article, I’ll be sharing tips and scripts to make it easier for you to talk to your partner about sex too.
We’ll cover:
John* and Mary* (not their real names) have been together for 25 years.
They raised two children together and have created a wonderful life for themselves. For the most part, they have a happy relationship and they enjoy spending time together. They both enjoy gardening and taking care of their property, something they worked hard for. Their youngest has just left home, leaving them living alone for the first time in over two decades.
This should be a time that they’re really getting to enjoy everything they’ve created together and focus on themselves for a change… But things haven’t been going well.
John shrugs, ‘I’m ready to give up. I can’t take this anymore. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.’
Mary is sitting with her arms crossed, looking away from John. She didn’t really want to come to therapy. In her words, ‘I just don’t see why this has to be such a big deal. Can’t we just be happy and get on with our life?’
Under Mary’s external annoyance, I sense something else. Something all too familiar from my work with clients in the area of sex and relationships. Mary is feeling anxious, guilty and ashamed.
Being here, talking about this with a stranger is just about the most uncomfortable thing Mary can imagine herself doing. It’s hard enough even just with John and she’s mostly been successful in avoiding that. But a couple of weeks ago, John did the unthinkable and threatened to leave if they didn’t see someone, so she reluctantly agreed to be here.
I’m glad they made it to Couples Therapy. Over the next few months, I would see their relationship transform.
How was sex spoken about in your household when you were growing up?
When I ask most people that question, the answer is: it wasn’t.
Most of us don’t grow up in households where sex is spoken about openly. When it is discussed, it’s often accompanied with embarrassment or spoken of in hushed tones.
We tend to get taught euphemisms for discussing sex and our ‘sexual body parts’ rather than the anatomically correct words.
All of this makes sex a taboo topic for most of us.
As a result, we can struggle to talk about it throughout our lives. We feel embarrassed. We don’t know what words to use… we can even struggle to talk about it with the person we’re having sex with. In fact, for many people it’s easier to have sex rather than talk about it!
This was certainly the case for Mary.
Throughout therapy, I would discover that Mary grew up in a Catholic household. Sex was never discussed. Except once, in private, by her mother. And the message wasn’t a positive one.
Mary clearly got the message that ‘good girls’ only have sex in a certain way – and most definitely only after they’re married.
As Mary and I got to know each other better and she began to feel more comfortable talking about this, she told me that she actually did enjoy sex with John when they had it. But she felt so guilty and embarrassed talking about it that whenever he tried to raise it, she did her best to shut the conversation down.
John had tried to talk about this with Mary several times throughout their relationship. He hadn’t come from a religious household like Mary had. And in fact, his father had been a little more open about sex. As had John’s friends whom he’d spoken to about sex many times.
Although his confidence around it had taken a hit over the years, talking about sex came more easily to John. The importance of this to him also helped push through his comfort barriers.
When you have mismatched libidos or a sexless marriage, sex – or the lack of it – can be even more challenging to talk about.
Heightened emotions make sensitive conversations difficult. Talking about difficult topics, like sex, can cause us to become ‘emotionally flooded’.
When we’re “emotionally flooded,” our brain’s rational part, the prefrontal cortex, becomes overwhelmed by the emotional responses generated in the amygdala, which is responsible for our fight-or-flight response. This flood of emotions can impair our ability to think clearly, make reasoned decisions, and effectively communicate. During these times, our capacity for empathy, problem-solving, and listening diminishes, making constructive conversation pretty much impossible. This emotional overload can lead to shutdowns or explosive reactions in sensitive discussions.
This is what happened for Mary and John.
For the first few years, their sex life was good. But as they settled down and had kids, Mary’s interest dramatically decreased.
Early on when he would try to talk to Mary about their lack of intimacy, it would just lead to arguments so John did his best to just let it go.
But every few years, the pain of rarely having sex would become too much for him. He raised it during arguments a few times, which never went well. He even tried to write Mary a letter about it once, which led to their best conversation, but no lasting change.
Finally, out of desperation, John decided he would have to leave if they couldn’t fix this. He didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives just as friends. Sex was important to him, it energised him and helped him feel connected to Mary in a way that little else could. He wasn’t willing to live the rest of his life without sex.
As with all of my clients, before we could address the difference in desire levels between John and Mary, we had to find a way for them to feel more connected, to understand each other better and be able to work on it as a team.
Research shows that talking about sex comfortably and honestly is one of the most important factors for having great sex. Partners who discuss their sexual needs, desires, and boundaries tend to experience higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
Building this level of openness and honesty doesn’t happen overnight. For John and Mary, as for many couples, it was a journey of gradual steps towards understanding and mutual respect. Establishing a safe space for these conversations allowed them to work as a team and slowly dismantle their barriers to intimacy.
How relationship therapy and sexology can help
Here’s what John* had to say following our work together:
I’ve worked with hundreds of clients like John and Mary. I can tell you with full confidence that results like this are possible for you too.
Choosing the right moment to talk about sensitive topics like sex is crucial. Opt for a time when both of you feel relaxed and are unlikely to be interrupted. This conversation requires openness and a lack of pressure. Remember, discussing your sexual relationship isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s likely to require multiple conversations. Be patient and prepared to revisit the subject as many times as necessary to ensure both partners feel heard and comfortable with the progress.
Start the conversation by reaffirming your connection. Mention something you appreciate about your partner or the relationship. This helps to create a positive foundation and shows that you’re approaching the conversation from a place of love and partnership. Saying something like, “I really value the time we spend together and am grateful for the love and support you provide,” can make your partner feel secure and more open to the discussion.
When discussing sensitive topics like sex, it’s important to communicate your feelings clearly and without placing blame. Use “I” statements to express your own feelings rather than attributing motives or feelings to your partner. For instance, say, “I feel a bit disconnected when we don’t share intimacy,” instead of “You don’t make time for us anymore.” This approach helps in sharing your emotions without making your partner feel defensive or criticised.
Active listening is essential in these conversations. Encourage your partner to share their thoughts and feelings, and make sure to listen without interrupting. Show empathy and ask open-ended questions to deepen your understanding of their perspective. Questions like, “How do you feel about our intimate life?” or “What changes would make you feel more comfortable and connected?” can help in facilitating a deeper dialogue.
Conclude your discussions with actionable steps that both of you agree on. Making these decisions together reinforces your commitment to improving the relationship and ensures both partners are invested in the outcomes.
