It’s common for one partner to be more open to the idea of relationship counselling than the other.
The idea of going to Couples Therapy can stir up a lot of discomfort for some people. Especially when they’re used to fixing things on their own or aren’t sure how therapy works.
Perhaps you’ve tried to talk about it with a partner and they dismissed the idea – or maybe you’ve held off saying something because you’re worried about how they’ll react.
I put together this guide to help.
I’ll be sharing:
It’s normal to feel hesitant about Couples Therapy – and it’s normal to feel nervous talking about it with your partner.
You might worry that this will create more conflict with your partner, which is exactly what you don’t want. You might feel disheartened because you’ve suggested it before and they haven’t been keen.
Perhaps instead of having a direct conversation, you’ve tried dropping hints or waiting for the ‘right moment’ that never seems to come. Maybe you’ve even filled out an application for therapy with the intention of talking to your partner about it later.
These strategies are common when we’re trying to protect our relationships from potential stress. However, the right strategies and words can pave the way for a supportive, open discussion that leads to growth and understanding.
What makes a strong happy relationship isn’t a mystery. We have solid, scientific evidence on what can help you become the happiest couple you know – and create love that lasts.
The methods we use have shown to help over 90% of couples create happier and more harmonious partnerships. When you join therapy with myself and my team, you’re getting access to the most up to date research on relationships and lessons I’ve learned in 15+ years supporting people just like you.
You’ll get practical tools along with understanding support to help you create a more loving, harmonious and passionate relationship.
Choose an appropriate time to talk
Choose your timing for the conversation wisely. While your partner is in the middle of something, during an argument or when one of you is about to go out somewhere aren’t good times. Let your partner know you want to talk about something important and ask if now is a good time.
If your partner doesn’t want to talk right away, allow them time. They may be surprised or concerned by the request. Let them know it’s okay and set a time that would work for you both, preferably within the next 24 hours.
Begin with appreciation and positive feedback
Start by reassuring your partner about how important they and the relationship are to you. Let them know that your reason for suggesting therapy is to make something that is amazing – and really important to you, even better. This isn’t about ‘fixing’ or anyone doing anything ‘wrong’.
For example:
I love you and I really value our relationship. I want it to be the very best it can be.
Share why you’d like to go to therapy using ‘I’ statements
Be mindful of not blaming or criticising your partner, during this conversation. Chances are they’ll feel a little defensive and on the back foot already.
Use ‘I’ statements to let them know how you’ve been feeling as a result of the challenges the two of you are experiencing.
For example:
I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like that to change.
I know that intimacy isn’t what it used to be between us and I know that’s frustrating and upsetting for you.
Ask directly
Let your partner know that you want to make your relationship even better for both of you and how you would like to do that. If there are specific challenges you are both aware of, let them know that you want to find a way through them, together. Be clear that you think going to Couples Therapy is the best way for you to have the best relationship you can.
For example:
I think that Couples Counselling might be a way to create a stronger connection and deepen intimacy between us. I know it’s probably not really your thing, but can you consider it for me?
Address objections clearly
It’s likely that you’ll experience objections or concerns by a partner. Below are some of the common concerns partners have about Couples Therapy and how you can address them.
Putting all of that together, here are some ways that you might speak to your partner about attending relationship counselling:
Our relationship is so important to me. We’ve been through a lot lately, and I think we’ve done a great job handling things as they come. I believe that seeing a Couples Therapist could help us navigate our challenges even more effectively. How would you feel about giving it a try, just to see if it could benefit us?
I really value us and everything we share, and I want us to always feel as close as possible. Lately, I feel like we could use some extra support to communicate even better. Would you be open to trying Couples Therapy with me as a way to ensure we’re at our best?
I love you and I think that despite some of our challenges, we have a really amazing connection. I read about Couples Therapy the other day and how it can really enhance a relationship, even if things are already good. It got me thinking—maybe it could be something positive for us, too. Can we discuss what it might look like for us to try it?
I love you and I really value our relationship. I want it to be the very best it can be. Can we set aside some time to talk about our relationship goals and dreams? I think it might also be a good opportunity to consider whether Couples Therapy could be part of achieving those dreams together. I’d love to get your thoughts on this.
I value you and our connection together. I’ve been feeling a little worried lately because [we seem to be arguing a little more / intimacy has really diminished between us / I feel some growing distance between us, like we’re growing apart]. I want our relationship to stay strong and for us to really be able to enjoy our life together. I wonder if trying out Couples Therapy might give us some new tools and insights. What do you think about exploring this together?
Feel free to copy and paste this to send to your partner.
Hey [partner’s name or your pet name], I hope you know I love you and that our relationship is really important to me. I want our connection and intimacy to be the best it can be. I came across some information on a Couples Therapist that I think could help us do that. Can we chat about this later?
Here’s the details if you want to know more www.isiah-mckimmie.com/therapy I thought you’d like the positive approach they take. We can start with a quick phone call to see if we like them.
Couples Therapy is just about digging up problems – what if it actually makes things worse?
I understand how you could have that idea. That certainly isn’t what I want either. Isiah has a reputation for providing practical tools and solutions, rather than talking endlessly about what we’re not happy with. Her focus is on moving us forward together. Therapy will give us tools to resolve some of the recurring arguments we have and help us build an even stronger relationship.
Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?
I don’t see how talking about things any more is going to fix it
You’re great at fixing things. Your focus on finding solutions is one of the things I love about you.
Isiah has a reputation for providing practical tools and solutions, rather than just endless talking. She is also practical when it comes to sex, so she can give me advice for helping me feel more in the mood and we may even learn some things that make it even better for both of us.
In going to therapy, we’ll have certainty that we have the best tools available to draw on now and in the future.
This means a lot to me. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?
We can fix this ourselves
You know, I really understand how you can feel that way. We’re both intelligent, successful people and I think ultimately if we invested enough time and did our own research we could find solutions ourselves. The truth is, we haven’t so far and I would love to make this process faster and more efficient by engaging professional support.
We seek advice for our finances because we want to be in the best position possible. I see Couples Therapy the same way.
We’ll have certainty that we’re getting the best tools and professional advice available. Isiah is one of the most highly qualified professionals in this field in Australia, she holds a Masters in Relational Therapy and a Masters in Sexual Counselling. Why not learn from the best in this area so we can put ourselves in the best position possible?
This means a lot to me. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong / Things aren’t really that bad / Why fix what’s not broken?
Our relationship means everything to me. I don’t know where I would be without you in my life. I agree that we have a pretty good relationship, but lately I’ve noticed some issues arising between us and I’d really like to resolve them before they become big issues.
We seek advice for our finances because we want to be in the best position possible. I see Couples Therapy the same way.
By going to therapy, we’ll have certainty that we have the best tools available to draw on now and in the future so that this relationship is the best it can be.
This would mean a lot to me and I think us having an even stronger relationship would benefit our whole family. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?
How much will this cost anyway? We can’t afford extra costs right now.
I understand that’s a concern for you and I love how much you want to make decisions that are best for our family.
Going to therapy is an investment in a healthy sex life, an investment in peace of mind, an investment in relaxing and enjoying each other’s company instead of arguing.
Like anything, therapy has a range of price points depending on the qualifications and experience of the therapist we choose.
But ultimately it’s going to save us money if we act early. We’ll get tools that we can use for the rest of our lives together. The benefits and skills we’ll gain will be invaluable to our relationship and our family.
This means a lot to me. Can we look at where we can make changes to our budget so that we can do this together?
I don’t have the time right now.
I appreciate how busy you are and how much you do to provide for and take care of this family. I’m also worried that we don’t have enough time together as it is.
Many of Isiah’s past clients have mentioned how therapy helped the time they were spending together be even more enjoyable. And we’ll get tools to make the time we do have together really count. Our relationship deserves to be a priority in our lives.
Therapy is just 90 minutes every two weeks. And as Isiah offers sessions by Zoom, we can do them from home in the evenings without needing to drive, miss work or find a sitter.
I believe we can make this work. Are you willing to do this with me?
Who is this therapist you want to see anyway? How do you know she’s any good?
I’m glad you asked. I think it’s really important that we both feel comfortable with the person we choose to see.
Isiah is one of the leading professionals in the Sex and Relationship field in Australia. She trained in the US and also holds two Masters degrees – one in Relationship Therapy and one in Sex Therapy. Her approach is scientifically based.
In fact, I can show you her website if you like and all the positive reviews that other couples have given her?
Isiah now trains other therapists using her methods as well, so we’ll know that we’re getting the best support available.
Isiah offers a no obligation initial consultation so we can both make sure we’re comfortable working with her or a member of her team. This is important to me. Would you be willing to start with one session?
The therapist will take sides
You know, I was initially worried about that too. I don’t want therapy to make anything worse between us.
Isiah makes it really clear that her job isn’t to take sides. Therapy will give us practical tools that can help build a stronger relationship and have more sex. If you ever feel like she’s taking sides, I would love for you to tell me that.
This means a lot to me. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?
This is your problem, not mine
I agree that my libido really hasn’t been what it used to be lately. I know it’s really unfair on you and that you’re feeling frustrated, disappointed and probably rejected right now. I really want to fix this.
I’m really willing to do whatever I can to fix this, so we can have sex more and make our relationship happier again. I would love your help and support in doing that.
If I need to see her on my own, I will, but I think I could do it faster if you would come along with me and help me with this.
Would you at least come to the first session with me?
What if this doesn’t work?
I’m afraid of what will happen if this doesn’t work too. It’s a lot of time and money to invest in something that can’t guarantee the outcome for our relationship. The truth is, I don’t want us to break up. If we go to therapy at least we’ll know that we’ve done everything possible to make this work. What we will get is tools and advice that we can use for the rest of our lives, whatever happens.
I think this is worth trying. I believe our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. Will you come with me?
If after following the suggestions below, your partner still isn’t interested in therapy, you can make a big difference to your relationship by seeking help alone. Your partner may be more willing to come to therapy once they’ve seen the changes you are able to make to the relationship as a result and understand that therapy isn’t about blaming them.
It’s important to remember that if you eventually transition to couples therapy, you will need to see a different therapist than the one you see alone. This helps to ensure a neutral space where both partners feel equally understood and supported, without any perception of bias. But let’s focus on one step at a time.
Additionally, consider engaging in an online program to promote more connection, open communication and mutual understanding, which can help create positive change and reduce resistance to therapy.
Sometimes, starting with these small changes can encourage a reluctant partner to consider formal therapy as a constructive step forward.
