In this article I’ll be using my experience as a Sexologist to share:
Initiating sex can feel awkward, sometimes tense and downright clunky – regardless of how long we’ve been in a relationship.
We’re not given a manual on ‘how to initiate sex’, so it doesn’t happen naturally for most of us.
There are several reasons why this can be so challenging, and it often has little to do with how much we love or desire our partner:
One of the most common reasons people hesitate to initiate sex is the fear of being rejected. This fear can make initiation feel like a risk. This can cause people to avoid initiating altogether and wait for their partner to take the lead.
Many people are raised in environments where sex and intimacy are rarely discussed openly, or worse, seen as shameful topics. These cultural and societal messages create a sense of discomfort when it comes to initiating sex, especially for those who have grown up with more conservative beliefs about sex.
Traditional gender roles often place men in the position of the initiator and women as more passive participants in sex. Men may feel pressure to perform, while women may feel uncertain or hesitant about taking the lead. This dynamic can make initiating intimacy feel awkward in heterosexual relationships.
In long-term relationships, the busyness of daily life—work, household tasks, and parenting—can make it difficult to prioritise intimacy. Over time, initiating sex can feel like just another item on a long list of to-dos, and the pressure to “make it happen” can become overwhelming. When intimacy happens less frequently, initiating sex can feel more difficult.
Lack of open communication about sexual desires and needs is another key barrier. Without clear discussions about what each partner wants or enjoys, initiating sex can feel like walking into uncertain territory. This lack of communication can create anxiety, as one partner may not be sure how the other will respond to their advances.
Initiating sex and knowing how to initiate intimacy in a way that your partner likes can be crucial in a relationship. Without the act of initiating sex and intimacy, your partner may be left feeling unwanted or may not even feel the desire to have sex.
There’s nothing hotter than feeling desired by your lover, so finding a way that speaks to their love language can help when initiating intimacy with your partner. Does your lover like being told they look sexy, do they like their back tickled or massaged or do they value when the dishes are done and the washing is all folded and put away?
All these small ways that show your lover how you appreciate them, leads to more intimacy and is a great beginning to initiating sex.
Here’s why initiating sex can be so important:
When you initiate sex in a way that feels genuine and considerate of your partner’s needs, it nurtures both your emotional and physical connection, helping to maintain a healthy and passionate relationship.
Initiating sex isn’t something that always feels natural, especially if you’re not used to taking the lead in intimate moments. The good news is that confidence is something you can build, and with a bit of practice, initiating sex can become much easier.
Gaining the confidence to initiate sex takes practice. It’s normal to feel uncertain or hesitant at first, but the more you step outside your comfort zone, the more comfortable and empowered you’ll feel. Start small, and don’t pressure yourself to make every initiation flawless or perfect.
Here are some ways to build that confidence:
Sometimes, easing into physical intimacy can help remove some of the pressure. A gentle touch, holding hands, or even a warm hug can be the first step toward building connection and making you feel more at ease about initiating sex later.
Discussing what you both enjoy sexually and how you like to be approached can take away much of the guesswork and anxiety. When you know what turns your partner on, you’ll feel more confident making the first move, knowing that your approach aligns with their desires.
One of the biggest barriers to initiating sex is the fear of being turned down. Remember that a “no” doesn’t mean you’re undesirable—it might just mean the timing isn’t right for your partner. Reframing rejection as a temporary thing can help reduce the fear of making the first move.
Remind yourself that initiating sex is an act of connection and desire, not a performance that needs to be perfect. Be kind to yourself and replace any negative thoughts with affirmations that boost your self-esteem.
Each time you take the step to initiate sex, give yourself credit. Whether it leads to a full sexual experience or simply a moment of closeness, every small effort builds your confidence for the future.
It is important to remember too, that people often fear initiating sex because of the fear of rejection and this is where a lack of confidence may arise when initiating intimacy with a lover.
Rejection can feel personal, especially in such a vulnerable moment. However, it’s essential to understand that a “no” to sex doesn’t mean a rejection of you or your relationship.
Remind yourself that if your partner isn’t in the mood, it doesn’t reflect their feelings about you. They may be stressed, tired, or simply not in the right headspace for intimacy at that moment. Reframing rejection as circumstantial rather than personal can help reduce the sting and keep the communication open.
Strengthening emotional closeness through open communication, non-sexual intimacy, and vulnerability helps create a sense of safety in the relationship. This connection makes initiating sex feel less intimidating and softens the impact of rejection, as both partners feel valued and emotionally supported beyond just physical encounters.
It’s easy to internalise rejection, but it’s important to practise kindness toward yourself in those moments. Instead of thinking, “I did something wrong,” try shifting to, “Maybe the timing wasn’t right, and that’s okay.” This compassionate mindset can help you feel more resilient and willing to try again in the future.
Remember that even the healthiest relationships won’t have perfectly aligned sexual desires all the time. It’s normal for one partner to sometimes not be in the mood, and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong. Having realistic expectations around intimacy can take away some of the fear.
If your partner has initiated sex and intimacy with you and you’re just not in the mood, it is ok to say no. But it’s important to use soft language with your lover so they are not left feeling rejected or taking it personally. You could use phrases such as…
“I love it how you… but can we try this later, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment” or “ I appreciate you for… and I love our intimate time, can we pick this conversation up when I am feeling a little more in the mood?”.
On a more practical side, here some helpful ways you can creatively initiate sex and intimacy with your partner:
During the day, you can send some flirty or spicy messages to let your lover know that you are thinking of them and are wanting to get intimate when you see each other.
It sounds counterintuitive but scheduling sex can be a great way to initiate sex for couples with a very busy lifestyle. Making a time and setting it aside for intimacy will help to make sure it doesn’t get forgotten in the day to day hustle bustle of life
Put out some sexy lingerie or maybe you wish to dabble in some sexy role play that you have fantasised about together. Looking the part can help us to feel the sexy vibes and bring the sexy mood on!
You can use an ‘intimacy’ card deck to help you get started or delve into some juicy talk about what you have been thinking about sexually with your lover.
You can take it in turns, telling each other where and how you like to be touched and use encouraging moans or words to guide your partner with what you like.
Offer to run them a bath, take the kids for a walk or allow them space to just be. Having autonomy and time for yourself enhances your wellbeing and also can have a positive impact on your desire for your partner and your overall feeling of desire for sex and intimacy.
Listen to or read erotic novels or look at some art or watch movies to help create a sexual desire. Watching, seeing or hearing sexual or erotic material can help to ‘wet the whistle’ and have you and your lover feeling turned on and ready to play.
Tickle, play-wrestle and laugh together. Being playful is a key component to cultivating desire for your lovers and in your relationships. We are all often so busy that being playful can bring our guards down and create a sense of connection and intimacy.
It can be really valuable to create a space where you can talk about sex, what you like, what turns you on and how you like to be touched and the dialogue you like when initiating intimacy and during sex. The direct approach can create a beautiful open dialogue where you can communicate about sex and intimacy in a safe and honest way.
There are many ways to initiate sex and intimacy, and gaining confidence takes practice and creativity. Through open conversation, exploration and trying new things you can gain more confidence and ignite a spark and desire in new or long term relationship/s with your lover/s.
It is also valuable to remember that not every act of initiation will lead to sex, rather enjoying being intimate and sensual with your lover helps to nurture a deeper connection and bond with one another and opens the gateway for sexual desire.
