Want to introduce sex toys to your relationship but not sure how? You’re not alone. Sex toys can be a powerful way to boost pleasure, deepen intimacy, and add some playful spark to your sex life, but just like sex itself, using them for the first time can feel a little awkward.

Maybe you’ve thought about experimenting, but you’re nervous.
Maybe you’re worried your partner will take it the wrong way — or see it as a sign they’re not enough.
Or maybe… you just don’t know how to bring it up without things feeling weird.

That’s exactly why this guide exists.

One of the most common questions I receive about toys is: How do I talk to my partner about this?

Many couples I speak to have found that buying the sex toy was only their first hurdle. They bought one or two, but find they’re now tucked away in a drawer somewhere never to be used.

I get that too.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I wasn’t always comfortable or confident about sex.

The first time I tried to spice things up by using a sex toy in the bedroom is a good example…

I sexily (or so I thought) reached over to my bedside table while my partner and I were being intimate, pulled out my vibrator and suggested ‘we could try using this?’

Needless to say, it didn’t go down very well.

‘Um… I don’t think so’, was his response as he took my vibrating companion and put it back in the draw never to be spoken of again.

Thankfully, I’ve had many experiences since then that were far more positive.

There are many ways/times you can use a sex toy in the bedroom.

Maybe you’re in a new relationship and want to add some extra fun?

Maybe a toy helps you reach orgasm?

Or maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a while and feel like you’re in a bit of a rut?

Here’s a word of warning, however:

Using pleasure toys alone is unlikely to revamp your sex life entirely.

If you’re looking for a magic bullet to increase desire, add some excitement or fix your relationship challenges, this isn’t it. It’s also why a lot of sex toys end up sitting at the back of your sock draw.

Want to know what can make the biggest difference to your sex life?

Communication

Couples who can communicate about sex have consistently better sex. Which makes sense, right?

That being said, pleasure toys can bring more pleasure, fun and excitement for both of you. Especially when used in conjunction with good communication.

 

Here are the 6 steps I recommend for introducing these toys for the first time:

Build connection, trust and safety in your relationship

It’s important that you both feel safe and accepted in your relationship.

If you’re going through a period of arguing about sex – or if you haven’t had sex for a while – this isn’t the best time to introduce a toy to your relationship. 

Talk about it

Being able to talk about sex – calmly, openly and honestly makes an enormous difference to sexual enjoyment.

When considering introducing sex toys to your relationship, have a conversation about it first, so you can get consent and ensure you understand each other’s desires.

Here are some ways you might raise this with a partner:

I love that we still have a really enjoyable sex life together. I’ve had this fantasy for a while about you using my vibrator on me. Would you be willing to explore this with me? I’ve been thinking that it might be fun to experiment with a vibrator, with you. I’m wondering if that’s something you would be open to? I heard about a new website selling sex toys the other day. I thought trying something like that might be really fun for us. Would you be interested?

Openly listen to your partner’s feelings about it too.

Choose a toy you both feel good about  

It can be helpful to go shopping together for a toy that you both feel comfortable with. Two toys that I recommend for couples are a clitoral vibrator and a bullet vibrator.

They can both be easily incorporated into penetration intercourse, which often makes them more appealing to couples.

Here’s another reason they’re great:

30% of women don’t reach orgasm through penetration sex alone, so the addition of stimulation to the clitoris can help you reach orgasm during penetration.

Go slowly

Some sex toys can be used on both of you – and their benefits aren’t just limited to the genitals. You can use a vibrator over your partner’s entire body to build sensation and excitement during foreplay. They can feel especially great used against the butt and nipples. Tease each other with the toy so you can both feel more comfortable with it.

Persist and experiment

It’s always helpful to bring a sense of humour to sex. Using sex toys with a partner won’t always go smoothly the first time. Let go of any pressure to ‘get it right’. Be willing to explore and have fun together.

Keep communicating

Remember, communication is key. Make sure you keep communicating about what feels good for you and what doesn’t. If you’re more familiar with using toys yourself, it can be helpful to show your partner just how you like the toy to be used.