In this article, we’ll cover:
When *Jay arrived to Relationship Counseling and Sexology sessions he was feeling depressed and pretty hopeless about his relationship. His partner had noticed him withdrawing and spending less time talking to her. Finally, after years of saying they needed to do something, they had both agreed to get my help.
Jay explained that their lack of sexual intimacy was really getting him down. He felt constantly rejected by his partner and wondered if she still cared about him. He’d tried to bring it up with her many times over the past few years, but it usually ended in an argument or her saying she’d try harder, but nothing had made lasting change.
At just 42, Jay felt like his only options were to accept a sexless relationship or to leave – neither of which felt good to him.
After one particularly bad argument, where Jay had mentioned the possibility of separation, they decided to seek help. By the end of our first session, they both reported feeling hopeful for the first time in a long while, and we created a plan for moving forward. After three months, their relationship had improved significantly, even though Jay still wanted more changes around sex. Six months later, they were happier than they had been in years and were once again looking forward to a future together.
Here’s how we made that progress.
There are many reasons why someone can lose interest in sex, and they’re often more complex than we realise. Here are some common reasons people lose sexual desire:
It’s a painful thought: Do they not want me anymore?
It’s completely understandable to worry that your partner’s lack of desire might mean they’re no longer attracted to you. You may wonder if they’ve lost interest, if they find someone else more appealing, or if their feelings for you have changed. These thoughts can stir up insecurity and frustration, leaving you unsure of what to do next.
While relationship satisfaction and emotional connection do play a role in sexual desire, it doesn’t automatically mean that a drop in libido reflects a lack of attraction or love. Many factors—like stress, mental health struggles, or emotional distance—can lower sexual desire without diminishing your partner’s feelings for you.
Lack of sexual desire rarely means that your partner no longer finds you attractive. More often, other factors influence their desire.
Talking to your partner about their lack of sexual desire can feel like an emotional minefield. You’ve probably brought it up before, only to be met with frustration, shutdowns, or avoidance. It’s natural to feel reluctant to raise the issue again out of fear it could lead to another argument or disappointment.
Learning to talk about this together is an important first step in moving forward. Here are some tips to help guide the conversation:
For a more in-depth guide, check out my recent article: How to talk to your partner about a lack of sex in your relationship
It’s completely natural to want to do something—anything—to increase your partner’s interest in sex. But sexual desire is a complex issue that often needs a more holistic approach. Increasing your partner’s desire will be most effective when you use an overall strategy and work together as a team.
A common mistake I see couples make is trying to fix the issue of sexual disinterest with ad hoc solutions—things like giving a massage, buying new lingerie, or trying a sex toy. While these can sometimes add excitement, they often miss the deeper, underlying issues affecting sexual desire. When these attempts don’t work, it’s easy to feel frustrated, rejected, or even hopeless.
Research on desire shows that addressing the emotional and relational aspects of your relationship is far more effective than relying on superficial fixes. What you really need is a strategy that takes into account the factors affecting desire on multiple levels—emotional, physical, and relational.
In therapy, I use the Relationship Harmony Method, a proven approach that supports your relationship holistically. It helps you and your partner understand each other’s emotions and needs, and work toward shared goals, including rekindling desire.
In order to increase desire, you need an overall strategy that addresses all the factors impacting desire:
The first step is having a conversation—one that’s not just about sex, but about your relationship as a whole. It’s important to create a safe space where both of you can express how you feel without fear of judgement or blame. By working together, you can start to understand what’s been holding desire back and make room for deeper connection and intimacy.
Sexual desire doesn’t exist in isolation—it’s closely linked to the emotional connection you have with your partner.
Research shows that higher relationship satisfaction and intimacy is linked to higher sexual satisfaction.
Great sex begins outside the bedroom.
Spend time together outside the bedroom, have meaningful conversations, and rebuild your emotional intimacy. When you focus on strengthening your relationship, you create an important foundation for desire to flourish.
One of the most important steps in reigniting sexual desire is understanding how it functions. Desire isn’t the same for everyone, and recognising the different types can help you better navigate the dynamics in your relationship.
There are two main types of desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire is what most people think of when they imagine sexual desire—it arises naturally and feels immediate. For people with spontaneous desire, sexual interest can appear out of nowhere, especially during the early stages of relationships or moments of intense emotional connection. It’s often described as the “spark” you feel when everything is new and exciting.
To better understand how this works, it’s helpful to think of desire as influenced by two systems: sexual accelerators and sexual brakes.
This is why adding more accelerators—like new lingerie or sex toys—often doesn’t work if the brakes haven’t been addressed first.
Many times, sexual brakes are at play without you even realising it. These can be external factors like stress, work pressures, or emotional brakes like unresolved conflicts and feeling distant from your partner. Research shows that brakes are often stronger than accelerators and have a bigger impact on shutting down desire.
The first step to reigniting desire is identifying and reducing these brakes—whether it’s finding ways to lower stress, improving communication, or creating more time for each other. Once the brakes are eased, your accelerators will be more effective.
Once the brakes are reduced, focus on increasing sexual accelerators. These are the things that enhance sexual interest—like physical affection, emotional closeness, or shared experiences that bring you closer. It’s about discovering what makes both of you feel more connected and excited.
Creating opportunities for both emotional and physical intimacy, without the pressure of sex, can help activate these accelerators and reignite desire. This could mean spending more time being affectionate, engaging in activities that strengthen your bond, or having open conversations about what turns you both on.
If you’ve tried working through these issues on your own but are still struggling, seeking professional help can be the key to unlocking change. A trained therapist or sexologist can help you and your partner explore deeper issues and provide the tools to reconnect. Therapy isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a step toward a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
The Relationship Harmony Method focuses on the emotional, relational, and physical aspects of your relationship, helping you not only rebuild sexual desire but strengthen your relationship as a whole.
If you and your partner have tried addressing low sexual desire but still aren’t making progress, it might be time to seek professional help. Therapy can help you explore what’s really going on and offer tools to reconnect. Some signs that it’s time to seek help include:
Seeking therapy is a positive step toward regaining closeness and rebuilding desire in a way that benefits your relationship long-term.
