A lack of sex in a relationship can be challenging and frustrating. As a Couples Counsellor and Sexologist, this is the most common issue that I support couples with. In this post, I’m sharing:
So… it’s been a while since you were ‘intimate’ together?
Perhaps it’s been a month?
A few months?
Or maybe even a couple of years?
You’re not alone.
It’s more common than most of us realise.
We tend to think everyone else has a great relationship and sex life. We can think that there’s something wrong with us because we’re the only ones not doing it – or arguing about it.
But, you’re not alone.
And there are steps you can take to address this.
It’s estimated that 15-20% of relationships in Australia and the US are sexless relationships. A sexless relationship is defined as one where sex occurs less than 10 times per year.
Mismatched desire for sex is the most common issue that couples seek my support for as a Couples Counsellor and Sexologist.
In my work, it’s not uncommon for couples to report it having been months or years since they last had sex together.
Sometimes sex stops suddenly. There’s an event, a turning point of some kind and that’s it.
Other couples notice a slow decline, until they can count on one hand the number of times it’s happened this year.
Some couples notice a decline after children. But often, if they really think about it, it really began before then.
Some of the reasons people can lose interest in sex are:
While many people hope that by pin-pointing a reason libido was lost, they’ll be able to reignite their intimacy. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.
The truth is, there are many reasons why people lose interest in sex – and it’s often a complex mix of factors.
Perhaps you’ve been wishing this will just ‘fix’ itself, or wished that you could just get on with your relationship without sex.
Maybe you build yourself up, telling yourself ‘I know I need to do something about this – tonight’s the night.’ But then you forget or feel too nervous or just don’t feel in the mood anymore.
The longer you go without it, the more awkward and uncomfortable it can feel.
You wish you could just want to ‘want to’ again. (Or that your partner would want to.)
You remember a time when you loved making love, when you felt passionate urgency between you. But that feels so far away now.
And you don’t know how or where to start to get this back. It can seem like all the sex advice in the world can’t get you over that first hurdle.
Sex can be such a powerful glue that helps build connection in a relationship. Without it your relationship can feel disconnected and you might notice tension building between you.
If you’re no longer having sex together, you might notice:
This can be painful for both of you and it’s probably really hard to talk about together. It might seem like your partner never wants to address this with you.
Honestly, that’s most likely because they feel guilty or hurt too.
Changing the way we understand desire can make a huge difference to your journey.
We tend to have an expectation that desire is spontaneous – that it will just arise spontaneously. And that’s our cue to then be intimate with a partner. We can think that ‘feeling in the mood’ is a prerequisite for starting intimacy.
Science is now understanding that our sexual desire is actually responsive. That is, it arises in response to stimuli.
What this means is that we need to cultivate the conditions in which desire can respond. And for women, this begins long before we enter the bedroom. So that’s where we start. We want to build the house of our desire on a strong foundation.
You’re going to make changes on this fastest if you feel like this is important to you.
Research shows us that there are two key things that keep passion in a relationship. The first is staying good friends, the other is making sex a priority.
While sex might not seem important to you at the moment, if it’s important to your partner, it’s important to your relationship.
And the truth is, sex really can bring you closer because of the beautiful cocktail of hormones and endorphins that sex helps you release. One of the key hormones released during sex is oxytocin, which helps you feel bonded and connected to each other.
So decide that having a loving, fulfilling sex life is important to you and your relationship. This mindset will help you stay motivated and take action.
When we’re not having sex, our partner can end up feeling unloved and undesired – contributing to increased tension.
When there’s tension in a relationship, we can find ourselves focusing on the things that annoy us about our partner and the relationship.
And that doesn’t lead to us feeling sexy.
Sharing appreciation with our partner can help them to feel loved, appreciated and wanted. It can help your partner understand that your lack of desire isn’t a lack of love for them and contribute to more harmony and ease between you.
When you focus on the things you appreciate about your partner, you’ll feel more open and loving towards them.
Make a point of sharing something that you appreciate about your partner with them each day to build the love, connection and closeness between you.
If you’ve stopped having sex, it’s likely you feel disconnected to your partner on a couple of levels.
Perhaps you just don’t spend as much time together (or any) as you used to. With so much going on in your lives, you can feel like two ships passing in the night.
You might feel like you’re missing the emotional intimacy that helps you feel close to your partner. Maybe you only connect on practical issues now, not as lovers like you used to.
Becoming close to your partner again requires that you spend time together. It’s important to make it a priority. This connection can then flow into the bedroom.
Small amounts of quality time together can make a world of difference to your connection.
Try starting with just 10 minutes a day where you sit down uninterrupted and just talk about how your day was.
When you’ve stopped having sex, you may have found that physical touch gets avoided completely.
Maybe you pull away from affection because you don’t want to give your partner the ‘wrong idea’.
Perhaps you’ve stopped kissing passionately too.
We want to get that back. And we do it one small step at a time.
Physical affection helps build oxytocin, that hormone that helps you feel bonded and connected to each other. Oxytocin is also an important contributor to women’s lubrication and arousal.
Begin bringing non-sexual touch back into your relationship to build closeness and desire.
Don’t put pressure on yourself for it to ‘lead anywhere’. It may help for you to have a conversation with a partner about it.
You might say something like:
Try some of the following suggestions to rebuild physical connection:
Starting again when your sex life has been in decline isn’t easy. I want you to know you don’t need to do it alone.
While it might feel hopeless or overwhelming right now, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples on this issue – with incredible results.
After working with me, couples have said things like:
Working with a professional can help you reconnect, avoid arguments and ensure that you can work on this as a team.
Don’t lose hope. Change is possible.
