What I wish women understood about men and sex

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Last week, I shared some of the things that I wished men knew about women and sex.

I received so much feedback from both men and women telling me how valuable it was.

There’s so much about sex and intimacy that we’re not taught. It leads to misunderstanding and frustration for many of us.

Knowledge is power. I wish there was more we were all taught so we all felt comfortable, empowered and confident around sex.

So today I’m flipping what I recently shared.

Here are 5 things I wish women knew about men and s-x

1. Men feel pressure to get it right

Men face a societal expectation that they just know what to do and will be able to give us that most satisfying experience we’ve ever had in our life… but they face the same lack of education that we do.

You help him by being willing to explore together.

2. Men feel embarrassment and shame around s-x too

Men are expected to have high sex drives, confidence and sexual prowess, but they feel shame and embarrassment around sex too.

They can feel shame for wanting sex more than their partner – and being constantly ‘rejected’
They can feel shame for not wanting sex as much as their partner – and being seen as ‘unmanly’.
They can feel shame for not ‘getting it right’ – and knowing how to please their partner in bed.

Understand that the toughness he shows on the outside isn’t always what he feels on the inside.

3. Men are just as worried about being loved and worthy as women and sex is often a way to feel loved

I often hear women tell me they feel their partner ‘just wants sex’.

But when questioning their partners what I find it isn’t true. What they really want is to feel connected to and desired by the person they love – you.

Sex is often a way that people feel loved and desired. As one of the men in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly describes it:
“When you want to be with us…in that way…it makes us feel more worthy. We stand a little taller. Believe in ourselves more. I don’t know why but it’s true.”

You support him by validating his desire for intimacy with you.

4. Your desires are probably more similar than you think

I hear a frequent fear in couples therapy that partners will have different desires – and one will want something far more… adventurous than the other.

While there are sometimes differences, couples are often surprised to learn that their desires are actually more similar.

Chances are, your partner doesn’t want anything wild and crazy.

He just wants good sex, with the person he loves – and to make sure you enjoy yourself.

5. Your partner really wants to please you

Your partner wants to please you – in the bedroom and out.

When he feels like he’s not doing this… he feels like he’s failing as a man. This is often when we see defensiveness and shut down.

Your partner wants to know what he can do for you in the bedroom. More than anything he wants to see you experience pleasure. Sometimes, he’s just not sure how to do that, or how to ask – because he had the same lack of education most of us did.

You support him when you tell him what he’s getting right and cultivate your desire.

We’re all vulnerable around sex and we all have questions about it.

Beginning with a conversation can help you both enjoy intimacy more. Share this with the man in your life and check out his perspective on it.

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